n=30 one continuous month

Well, I made it.

I'm kinda proud, actually…

I think that this was actually a very valuable experience, and I'm glad I took on the challenge. I didn't know whether or not I would make it, and I'm sure it was touch and go there for a while, especially yesterday… didn't think I'd make that one at all.

 

The most valuable things I learned:

 

Rebecca and I are very much alike.

I should have spent more time chatting with her when we were stuck in a Mexican beach house two years ago!

I can write something interesting if I put my mind to it.

Yahoo has people running bots to make sure no-one out there is unhappy… I'm happy about that one   =)

I have visitors!!

 

Anyway… now that my obligation to post is over, I feel obliged to continue the trend of posting regularly. But, what I will do is continue to take on the challenge of thinking of something interesting. I won't just go on about nothing like I did at the beginning of this exercise. I will continue to take the time to muse on a subject. And if I don't have anything interesting to say, I won't post.

 

How's that?

n=29 ok, the pilot is snoring

I’m sitting on a plane, using my Q1 to type you a message. I’m sitting next to a pilot who flied for a competing airline, he says he’s just getting a ride. Next to him is an old man, who I think is eating grapes… or cherries… its hard to tell because he has the bag kinda hidden. The pilot offered us all some gummy snakes, but the old man is not offering anything.
There was a man who came on carrying a piece of wood. It look hollow-core like a door. It wouldn’t fit anywhere, and the flight attendant was getting a little annoyed with him. Eventually she took it and checked it. I was wondering if the sticker would stay stuck, or if the baggage people would forget it in the hold, thinking it was meant to be there, or that it couldn’t actually be anything of importance.

Ok – the pilot is snoring.

Today was exhausting. Yesterday I just sat in a meeting and watched, today, I had to talk, listen, and absorb. By noon I was saturated. I don’t think I slept well last night because I was tired all day. Right now, I’m very hungry… and sleepy. I am relieved to find out that my company has some people with serious expertise in the area that I needed, and they have availability to help me on my project. Whew, in a major way!! I really didn’t want to learn how to do all this stuff.

Anyway, I’m going to watch a movie, and pretend I’m somewhere far away.

n=28 home stretch

Three more days of blogging in Nov to make the goal!! And one more night and day away from home, so home stretch on two fronts.

I've realized being here that a lot of my musings come during traffic driving, and so when I'm not driving in traffic, I'm not really musing... now airplanes... you can look through my archives for the insightful uplifting things I've written on airplanes... not!

Geez - preview of Happy Feet on HBO... this seems to be pretty much the WHOLE movie with narration! and does it look cheezy.... I was hoping it would be like the Madagascar penguins... but, ah, no, its the Marching movie in English and animation.

I'll see you guys tomorrow due to tiredness of the right now.

n=27 to be friends, or not

Well I just made the trek across the country and I'm in Alexandria, Virginia. My company has an office here and I will be meeting with some of the people to learn about our capabilities.

 

This flight wasn't so bad. Not as bad as flights can be for me. I watched two movies on my computer. I love my umpc. I have an extended battery now, which got the computer and DVD player and me all the way across the country. Movies are really the only way for me to make flying bearable – when I'm on my own.

 

I'll be pretty busy the next couple days, so I'm not sure that I will have time to think about topics worthy of musings… but you never know when those little pieces pop into your mind.

 

For example, flying in today, I thought about all the blogs I read that are from people who live here. Chris at RudeCactus, and Amalah, and I wondered what they were up to. Unlike a TV show, where you might find that you feel you know someone well from watching, these bloggers are real people, they are not characters. But, like Heather at "This Fish Needs a Bicycle" said, I don't actually know them, and for sure they don't know me. So I guess I won't be knocking on any doors. But, it might be fun to meet some of the bloggers I read… so that's my thought for today… I'll think about picking one and we'll see if we can make that happen.

n=26 ASU

Last night we went to downtown Tempe for dinner, and decided to give Stranger Than Fiction another try. We had gone to the Chandler Fashion Square the night before, 35 mins early, and the movie was sold out. We figured it would be less busy on Mill.

 

Anyway... when we were parking we noticed a ton of people walking with chairs, we thought it could be the art fair, or a game at the stadium, but no, it was the Festival of Lights. The parade was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen... but, hey, A for effort, Tempe!

 

 

We had dinner and walked over to Mill to the team shop. My older 1/2 brother is going to ASU next semester as part of an exchange program. I thought I would get him something in maroon and gold - you know, team spirit and all that.

 

Being on Mill, so close to the University, we started talking about what it is that those undergrads do for entertainment... anything we say is a guess 'cause we have no idea. And we realized, that D being here will give us the inside scoop. Then I thought that it was kinda weird that this is where I've called home for the last 6 years, and I've never been a part of ASU. Yet, here comes my brother for a couple of months, and he's going to be more "in" than I have ever been. I have lived so far away from family for so long that its really weird for me to think of someone in my family living in the same place as me.

 

I am SO excited about being near D for this time, I can't even tell you. Even if I only see him a couple of times, its really cool to think that he will have an experience of my "home" even if its from a more drunk point of view than mine usually is.

 

And yes, Stranger Than Fiction was worth all the trying... it was a very nice movie. Just my style - kinda slow, interesting characters, humor, and nice.

how apropros

This quote was in the Jackrabbit Speaks - current Burning Man newsletter:

"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that
you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover."
--Mark Twain

n=25 oh, that American holiday of thanks

So, not being an American by birth.... meant that I had to learn about Thanksgiving. I think that eventhough I'd been in the US three years before college, it was college where I first was affected by the holiday. We had the four days off school, and I had to figure out what to do. At first it was all very confusing because noone could answer my two questions... what is Thanksgiving, and when is Thanksgiving, yup, more "ah, dunno"'s than answers. But I soon learned about pilgrims and giving thanks and all that.

 

Every year, I'd experience some other friend's family tradition of the holiday. My mother being miles away, and the rest of my family miles, miles, and miles away, and besides, we all didn't really care!

So sitting at different dinner tables and learning the different traditions and recipes was really fun - especially for an anthro major, of course!

 

Now that I have been through it for, oh, so many years, I have done the whole dinner myself, I have maintained my tradition of visiting, it has come to be my favorite holiday.

 

Non-denominational, EVERYONE participates, its associated with being with family or friends, and everyone either talks or thinks about giving thanks.

 

But today, I realized that now I have another reason in my back pocket. I get four days off work... and so does everyone else... so its not like there are accumulating emails and messages... there's just nothing.

 

Anyway.... I have a lot to be thankful for, but right now, I'd just like to let you know, you Americans, that I am thankful to you for your holiday of thanks.

 

 

 

 

PS. I'd just like to add that this year may have been my favorite experience. My friends have been doing potluck T'givings for a while now, everyone bringing a different dish. Starting last year, it seemed we hit a groove because the food was incredible, well, this year, not only was the food great, but we had this controlled frenzy of activity and energy with the addition of new people, some very cool kids, a really cute toddler, and the usual cast. I am very grateful for my friends here in AZ, and when we have a clicking good time at a potluck like that, I know we are all in a good place.

n=24 finality

We all know that our time in life is finite. Its a reality that we live with in a certain level of denial. But then something happens to make it a reality, and its a bit of a slap in the face.At least for me it is.

 

I realize that I live my life waiting. for all different things, it seems. When I was a kid I was waiting to grow up so that I could live alone, when I was a teenager I was waiting to find someone to share my life with, when I was in college I was waiting to achieve my goals, now here I am... in a career, not living at home, and sharing my life with someone. So what am I waiting for now? my death? illness? the signs of growing old? illness in my loved ones? happiness?

 

There is a thing about that point when you have finished college and you realize that you've reached your goals and now you have to make a conscious decision about what comes next. At that point, you are completely in control of your destiny. You have given yourself the knowledge to be able to make the next step decision. How much are you looking forward as opposed to experiencing the present?

 

I realize today, well, I realized it a long time ago, but its hitting home today that I spend too much time waiting, and I want to spend more time experiencing, and doing.

 

Its a hard paradigm/mind shift for me... so bare with my while I try to get the hang of it.

 

In the meantime, I'm waiting for my kitchen to be done, I'm waiting for my mom to arrive in Dec, and I'm waiting for my vacation in January. I am also waiting for news from Oz, and I'm hoping that its news worth waiting for.

n=23 public or private

I have a very unique name. In all the years of my life I have never met, seen, or heard of someone else with my name. In all the years of me being on the internet, I have gone to register at a website, and found that my name is still available. I do a search on my name, and everything that comes up is something about me.

So, when I wanted to experiment with Blogger, I used my name. You can tell by my archives that I didn't post for a while, and then when I came back to actually blog, I used this site instead of creating a new one. And now I have my audience of you, and you know who I am.

In my surfing of blogs I have learned that there are people out there who have had very bad experiences when their blogs have become linked to them. And so I have been wondering about my "safety" since mine is so, so, public and so, so connected to me.

Would it be a problem for my employer to read my site? my employees? my collegues? and what if I go looking for another job? How would this site represent me?

I have tried to be honest, and have integrity in how I post. But I do swear, I do post some of my more "radical" opinions, would all of that have an affect*?

so, I've been wondering lately if I should be more careful, switch to a more anonymous site, or let it go.


*if its effect, just keep it to yourself, I've been sitting in my bed for 3 hours screwing around online, I don't feel like thinking about aff's and eff's!!

n=22 How about this?

I've heard of these things before, but this was my first sighting.

Plaeeeze!

n=21 oh, I love working at an engineering firm

This is supposed to be a long post about the woe's of working for a firm that is rooted in the very masculine world of engineering. But, I hate thinking about inequality and differential treatment as a reality.

 

Today was one of those days where I thought "if I was a guy, this would not have happened"

 

Basically, one of my employees, a guy, came in my office and YELLED at me for a good 20 minutes about all the things that are "wrong" with me, the episode started with the phrase "I came in with the intension of quitting today..." and basically went from there with the last sentence being "...so then why don't you fire me?!"

and I sat here thinking.... I'm the only woman in my office with a position of management that affords me an office. All of the other project and division managers sitting in their offices, would their employees go in and say these things to them?

 

I made a conscious effort not to engage him.

I allowed him to just say everything he had to say.

and believe me, there was no room in there for a response if I had wanted to say something.... you know, when someone basically cuts off any options you have in their ranting.

 

I told a male friend about what had happened, and he said that if someone did that to him, he would have called security, and had the person escorted out of his office.

 

so - there's the difference between a man and a woman.

or is it the nature of the HR process at my company vs his?

 

for the record, said employee went back to their business thereafter and has been happily engaging people all over the office.

Is this a need for emotional catharsis and I was a handy target?

 

anyway you look at it, it is unacceptible.

 

n=20 role models?

touche, Rebecca.

 

I took you seriously, and I thought about something musing instead of just coping out with an "I've got nothing to say" attitude.

 

I listen to podcasts in my car because my life is being sucked away by traffic, and at least I like to be entertained by distraction. I listen to several, I can go into that later, but one I really enjoy is the Slate magazine daily. Usually these are 7-10 minutes on some topic of interest, and they have an entertaining gabfest on Fridays about the week's political topics. Over the past weeks, they have been playing some of the taped sessions at a conference they hosted on philanthropy.

 

I just finished listening to the keynote speech given by President Clinton (see Nov 14). I had many thoughts while listening to this speech, which I can talk about later, but the thought I would like to share is this.

 

Being the President was not a job suited to him. He is too talented, too charismatic, too driven, too interested in making change. However, being the President has given him all the tools he needs to do what he is really made to do - as an ex-President. Even the Monica thing was a life experience that has given him character, and humility.

 

When you are the President, you are being controlled by politics and image and donors, I'm sure... but when you are not the President, you can have strong opinions, and pursue agendas, and be focused on a task. He is one of the best things that has happened to the world, I think. He worked very hard as a President to bring peace, and now, he is using his experience, relationships, and passion to make change in the world as a whole. It is very impressive.

 

I also watched a biography this weekend about Jamie Oliver. He was famous in his 20's as the Naked Chef on BBC, he became overexposed because of commercials for a UK shopping market and the public turned on him; what did he do? he took his own money to start a restaurant where he would train unemployed people to become chefs. These were people who were his age or older. That was a success. Did he stop there? no, he petitioned the UK government to use more of their budget to fund catering at the public schools, he challenged them to let him implement a program in all the schools to get the kids to eat healthy food. And it worked... Therefore, he has two successful programs that live on - Fifteen and the school lunches - and he only just turned 30; and this was all done on his own conscience and effort, started because he was turned on by the UK public. WOW!!!!!!

 

I know that I do not have the same drive as these people to A) think of these progressive world changing things, and B) have the drive to make it happen. But I do know that I have the skills to make what they think of happen .....

muse on that!

 

 

fucking kitchens; and patios; and toasters; and everything else that exists

[scene: preparing to go out and sorting out the eating plans for the next morning]

 

me shouting: I can't believe I still don't have a fucking kitchen and I'm sick and tired of pretending that everying is ok being relegated to the fucking patio as a pretend kitchen. (or something to that affect - all's I know for sure is that everything was fucking)

 

him calmly: that's a stupid thing to say

 

me not so calm: Did you just say that what I said was stupid?

 

him calmly: yes

 

me IRRITATED: are you talking about my comment about the kitchen or the patio?

 

him calmly: neither, kitchens and patios don't fuck. Have you ever seen a fucking patio? no!

n=19 at the spa

"Is it time for my massage?
No?
well then I'll have another mimosa."

n=18 yikes!

nearly missed today!

This whole daily thing is tough!
I wonder, is it better to just post when you have something to say?
or is the goal to try and be insightful everyday?

I guess since my blog is "musings" that can be my topic of musing for the 18th!

n=17 drunk

oh, boy, I had another bad day at work.
so we walked to the italian place so we could drink wine, and now I'm home, its late, and I nearly missed 17 which would be REALLY bad considering how much I wanted to be on the listing, and then it would suck if today was the day I BLEW it... but now, I'm musing about drivel!

I was going to take a photo of my car clock so you could see how late I was driving home, but the flash and photos, and dark was bad, so nothing.

Yay! weekend!!!
What are you going to bring o' weekend?!
Alas still an unfinished kitchen, but lo' we rehung some pics so it feels a teensy little bit more like "home".

hey, I know, I'll post ya a photo.... how 'bout in the mornin', though... due to extreme unable to focusness.

I would never have thought

I just went to the NaBloPoMo site where are the participants are listed... and guess what! I'm not on it!!

 

I found where I "signed up", and I know there were a lot of people to keep track of, so I can understand how a little me could get missed... but realizing that this is half done, there's all these things that are getting people visited, and how much I have enjoyed the new visitors I *have* had, I'm really sad that I might have missed out on a whole bunch more!!!

 

I would never have thought that something like this would bum me out.

 

I guess I should be really psyched that I have new readers and new commenters, and I learned things about old friends that I didn't know, and I posted a whole hell of a lot!! so something was gained anyway, right?! 

n=16 argh!

I got up at 5:30 to be ready by 6:00 am for my ride to Tucson.
6:30, not here yet, so I call - he's still about 20 mins away!
6:50ish, get on the road to Tucson.
I had not eaten breakfast 'cause I figured we'd stop at strbcks on the way, and now we were about 45 mins late, so no stopping.
8:40 get to meeting
PEE!!!!
sit in meeting until 1pm
I AM STARVING by now.
1pm eat BBQ - in TWO SECONDS!!!!
back to meetings.
4pm - give up. leave.
take circuitious route through Tucson to find a coffee place.
PEE!!
drink a chai and a water, eat madelines - after yesterday, I know I don't need those, but who CARES!
drive through Tucson traffic to get to highway.
6:30 get home.

there are emails I should respond to
there are things I should do
but, for GOOD reason... I feel sick
and I'm tired, so I'm fucking going to veg on the couch and watch TV!!

you in my inbox... you don't mind waiting another day do you???

love ya!

n=15 personal trainer

Today I met with a personal trainer.
This is not the first time that I've met with one, but maybe this is the first time I felt it was real.

The first time was at my old gym, when I joined up they gave me the free sign-up session. Didn't stick. I felt like they were normalizing me like putting me through the sausage factory.... "this.is.the.workout.that.people.do."

A month ago, I thought I'd give it a try at my current gym. I have friends who work with trainers here, and my one friend LOVES her trainer.
So I went to the trainer counter and asked them how it works. A young girl "got" me, I figured I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and saw it through the intro meeting. Again... "this.is.the.workout.that.people.do" but with a different flavor - NOT!
I told my friend who loves her trainer, and woo hoo, she hooked me up. Well that's who I met with today. And, yeah, she's good. She listened to what I said my goals were, and she explained to me what I need to do to get there. I heard her, and I signed up.

But, I have to say, its a little humiliating! Like, "umm, this body you have, you're not really using it right, see here? all these numbers, they say that you don't know what you're doing! ah, yeah, this running program you're putting yourself on? its not gonna work, 'cause, umm, you don't know what you're doing."
now - she did not say these things to me, and she was actually very nice with me, I'm just saying, this is like the deep seeded issue I have with whether or not I can take care of my body.

Anyway, we are on the path to recovery. Soon to be personal trained!! and I'm hoping that I'll look like Jennifer Aniston, no, not her face, her BODY! she's the same age as me, that's why she's my "goal" look.

later, I'm going to eat some FAT!!

n=14 high emotion

What do you do when you are in a moment and your emotions get elevated?
Do you scream and shout? do you punch and hit? do you hold it in and release it later?

What about a situation that you go into with high emotion but you know you have to keep it under control?
Do you talk softer? does your voice crackle? do you scream and shout?

I cry.
GOD I hate it!
Its not sobbing crying, just tears running down my face.
It looks like weakness, but its just the release of emotion, and when I am angry, that's the physical response. It really does not work. And every time I'm in one of those situations, I think "control it, control it"...
but it never fails.
My physical response wins.

this is just not a good behavior if you want to be considered seriously at work