Deep Breaths

I am so out of my comfort zone.

 

Every moment is about forcing myself

to do something I don't "want"

to do.

 

 

But this challenge is also something that motivates me.

It is learning,

it is active,

it is new

and I know that I will be happy with myself when I succeed.

 

 

but I am in the moment now and so right now, it is very very hard.

exhaustingly hard

and I am afraid that the confidence and skill I had in youth has left me, making success something less than guaranteed.

 

Am I as good as I used to be?

 

I am starting to worry that I am not.

 

There must be something that you gain from experience.

There must be something that replaces ignorant confidence as time robs you of energy, memory, and patience.

 

I suppose only time and trying will tell.

 

I suppose the lesson

is that

life is about continually learning who you are

you never become, you are not stagnant,

you are always something new.

 

 

 

 

 

get your GROOVE on

Yowzers! did we have fun last night!
M&M alerted us that one of their friends, Lorin aka BASSNECTAR, was playing at the Goat Head Saloon in Mesa. I was - to say the least - shocked. I've been waiting for one of these SF DJ's to come to the good ol' valley of the sun, and was expecting said DJ to show up in Snobsdale. But, no, its a hole-in-the-wall dive, this Goat Head.
The opening DJ was a local. I was excited to hear him based on his page, but his set was nothing like his site's. But, we danced up a storm to the tracks he laid. Of course, since he wasn't the headliner, the floor was EMPTY! which is just the way I like it.
Lorin started up by saying to the crowd "get up here close to the stage! if you stand in the back like 6th graders, I'm gonna play 6th grade music all night" one-two-three: floor is PACKED!
It is SO cool to be live while a talented DJ is putting it altogether, responding the the crowd, the mood, and the flow. TOTALLY getting down with the music. It was like watching a painter create, or a dancer choreograph, it was visceral.
The concensus was to leave in the middle of the set (1am, so not too shabby for these 9pm bedtime peeps), but I really felt like that was sacrilege to "waste" the end of something so rare.
My consolation is that the man with be in BRC come August with the rest of these creative souls - so I will get to be awed again.

Do you know... are there DJ's in Phoenix who make music? and to be explicit, what I'm talking about here, is not just "mixing" from one song to the next, I'm talking about making music!

O' Buddha, leave me alone!

Greg always tells me that the Buddha is trying to teach me patience; and that's why so much of my life tries my patience so.

Today, the Buddha threw the book at me.

I don't really want to vent about the what's and the why's

I just want the universe to know, that I am trying very hard to keep my voice calm, to not snap, to not snap at people, to be nice.

I think, though, that I failed.

I walked out of the dry cleaners because I was about to bite off the heads of the people and scream as loud as the loudest monster while my hair stood straight up and my face turned green, so loud that it formed wind and storms and hurricanes, and the people in the buildings next door cowered in the corners shaking.

 

speaking of screaming green monsters.... here's a story.

My maternal cousins are girls - two of them - when they were little and I was babysitting, they sometimes didn't buy that I had the authority to tell them what to do. So they would resist. I would tell them that if they didn't do as I said I would scream and shout and turn into a horrible scary monster and all the people in the world would get scared and run away !

and they would comply immediately.

 

My half-brothers, on the other hand, got wide-eyed, and started jumping up and down with excitement taunting me:

"do it, do it, do it".

 

how funny, that even before the age of 4, the girls were scared and the boys were adrenaline junkies!

traveling tidbits

I learned today that they put the TSA-in-training in the ELITE line at Sky Harbor. Yes, that's right, all of those people with racked up miles from never being home think they can have a smooth and easy time at the airport; but no… they have to help the TSA agents do their jobs!

 

Why, oh WHY do hotel's have to put the full length mirror in a location that forces you to be looking at yourself on the toilet?! I have found this to be true in so many hotel rooms, that I think it's a wicked joke at some hotel design firm.

Two reviews: a book, and a movie

Wicked
I finally finished reading Wicked. I had put off finishing it for a long time because I didn’t want the witch to die. Obviously, I knew she would, but I had gotten attached to her. So, now that I’m done, I have to say, that the ending of this book is weak. weak weak weak.
I think that Maguire set up a great protagonist. He gave the Witch an incredible character. She had causes, she was strong, she had a will, and a focus. Then she had an affair, and it ends, and she completely looses focus and doesn’t gain it again. She is killed because of her own delusions in what Dorothy represents. I was very disappointed. There were a lot of threads in this book that also disappear, like the animals that can talk. Why did he create then in the narrative? There is no closing of that circle. There is no reason to it that I can see that comes back at the end of the book. Also, she spends all this time working on making the monkeys evolve, and then that storyline disappears – its like it was convenient to explain the flying monkey army, but that’s it.
So, anyway…. I really enjoyed the development of the characters and plot, but the end sucked.

Children of Men
Oh. My. God. Can you say S.U.C.K.
We were totally excited about this movie.
We thought that the premise – people are no longer fertile, some people save a pregnant woman – was intriguing. But you know what, this was a CHACE movie. That’s it. People running and chasing. I don’t know where the “deep” was; the implication, and of it. You know Gattaca? And that movie with Tom Cruise where he bought an eye, with the precrime? Now, those were both chase movies where they worked in the sci-fi concept. This movie WAY dropped the ball. It was actually boring.

more of those universe alignments

my desk phone rang; it was my financial advisor, saying she wanted to take some of my "cash" and buy part of an "international real estate trust"... and I said: that's one of those things where they buy and sell land all over the world, right?, and she said yes - but commercial, and I said: that's funny 'cause my brother is signing the paperwork to sell some of our CR land today; and we laughed, and as we were saying goodbye, my cell rang - it was my brother... saying that the deal was done and he was at the bank!

 

I'm sorry, but that's TOO weird!!

Bad Blogger

I think I may have made a blogging faux pas...

When people leave you comments, I think blogging etiquette calls for you to email them back.

Is that right?

Well, since I post via email, because my work blocks anything with "blogspot" in it, I don't have access to my blog's comments or the profiles of my readers... so I usually enjoy the comment and move on.

 

Well - I'm going to try and be better about acknowledging comments, even if it means remembering turn the computer on when I get home!

 

 

What can you fit in your MINI?!

scene: Friday night, trip to Ikea.

Lisa: should we take your truck? or the MINI?
Greg: we're only getting the 3-drawer unit - MINI.

Later that night...
Lisa and Greg standing in the Ikea warehouse looking at the VERY long boxes on their cart, laughing hysterically because they don't want to go home and get the truck, they want to risk getting the SIX-drawer Malm and this ladder into the MINI.











I'm really surprised that people didn't watch us in the parking lot making snide comments.
Yes, there was a moment, or two, where I thought I'd hear the cracking of my back window...
The ladder had to go on top of the dash, and we couldn't click the boot all the way...
In the end, we made it home.
















Greg was a little smooshed behind the driver on the folded down seat

Weird

Greg ran another marathon on Sat. He improved his time by 10 minutes, which is really impressive, considering that I can't even run his pace for 1 mile without being exhausted. So, I've been wanting a massage for a while, and a friend recommended a guy from her chiro's office who does housecalls. Well, that's just too weird if I invite this guy over to give me a massage, so I thought it would be less weird if he gave one to Greg too. So I scheduled for Sunday after the marathon. Greg was pretty adamant that he wanted to be outside in the shade, so whatever, the massage therapist was down with that. And I let Greg go first 'cause I figured he needed all the guys strength more than I did. We traded places pretty seamlessly, and I lay outside listening to the birds - man there were a lot - and feeling the breeze, and thinking about the backyard in general.

We want to redo the whole thing and we've decided to get a designer to help us. We want to make the patio, pool, and yard cohesive and divide it up into garden rooms that make you want to wander around and have discovery experiences. That's all "one day" stuff. For some reason, I got to thinking about this little metal shed that's in the corner of the yard near the house. We have the pool supplies in there and some of my brother's stuff. I started thinking how since we don't have a basement the garage is stuffed with junk, and that maybe it would be better to have a more efficient storage space in that yard corner. Something that could fit all the bikes. This shed is too small to stand up in, so it makes it awkward to go in and out, and you can't really put a lot of stuff in there because its just difficult to maneuver. Also, the door has come off its rollers, so it doesn't really stay open, or closed, it just falls down and we have to prop it up from the inside with a chlorine bucket. whatever... its just not efficient. And so I lay there getting my massage thinking about how we could improve this situation, and thinking that I should say something to Greg about it 'cause maybe he would have an idea.

But then, as massages go, I was relaxed and my mind went on to the next thing.

After the massage therapist left, and we had continued on with our day, I realized that Greg had been at the computer for a really long time. I went over to look at what he was doing and it looked like he was surfing for gazebos, or pagodas, and I thought - geez, he's going to come up with some scheme to put a ramada by the pool - which contradicts the whole master plan/garden room designer thingy... so I asked him what he was doing.

 

He told me that he'd been thinking that the shed in the corner of the yard wasn't very efficient and that it would be nice to have something that you could actually stand up in, with a useful door and a way to store all the bikes that we have in the garage.   (!)

and he was looking at these prefab sheds that would look really nice and be very functional.

 

I was pretty much in shock. It was just too weird that I came inside and he'd been sitting at the computer figuring out what to do about the shed thing the whole time I'd been outside thinking about the shed thing.

 

I mean, I know that they say when you've been with someone for a while you can finish each others thoughts and know what the other person is thinking, but this was just too weird.

 

Then, after measuring and talking about styles, I decided to let him keep going without me, and went to watch TV. It occurred to me that instead of a white siding metal roof "cottage" thing, maybe it would be cheaper to just lay a slab, put up some cinder blocks with a glass brick clear story, and french doors, stucco the outside and tile the roof to match the house. I figured I'd wait until Greg was done with his processing before I broached the subject. He was going in and out, measuring and looking. And then he stopped, came over to me and said: maybe we should just put up a cinder block room that we can stucco with a glass brick row for light and french doors, and a tile roof to match the house.

 

Now come on. How can it be that we have the same thought at the same time without any connective discussion - twice?!

That's just Weird.

Why can’t there be a another airport for these people?

Why do you have to put 20 metal clips in your daughter's hair? So that every time she walks through the metal detector she beeps, and you have to come back and take out some more. Do you think that this is your personal attention time from TSA?

 

You know how the moving walkway has that annoying person saying "The moving walkway is now ending", that useless PSA that you always wonder about because, hello, you are on the moving walkway, and you are looking ahead and you see that its ending. Because you've gone up escalators before and you understand the concept. Well, hello lady on your cellphone, so engrossed that you a) don't notice that the moving walkway is ending, b) don't hear the annoying announcement that the moving walkway is ending and you trip and fall and yell loudly causing a human pileup of everyone else coming off the moving walkway that is ending because you are so unaware of the world that you inhabit that you don't get that the stupid moving walkway is ending.

 

The mom with the stroller, that she wants to push through the metal detector. Are you serious?! Do you not understand the concept of metal detector? Or is your world so ensconced in plastic that you forgot that your stroller is indeed metal. And why do you look so shocked that you have to now carry your child through the metal detector? What were you thinking, that you could put him through the x-ray machine with the stroller? I mean come on, how much time do you need to process this conundrum? Just take the kid out – hold him – and put the stupid stroller on the stupid belt.

 

Ah – you know the sign at the beginning of this queue that says "preferred", you know the lady who was asking everyone in this queue if they had preferred status? That was for a reason! So why do you look shocked and appalled that the TSA ID checker is telling you to go in the other line, and come on! why are you arguing with him?! It's a pretty clear situation. Don't you understand that we have this status because we are ALWAYS on airplanes and we want to be able to avoid the people like you who are trying to slow down our process of getting home?!

The rough part of DINK

him: I have so much to do today, I'll probably be home late.

 

me: I'll probably be late too.

 

him: I might have to work this weekend to keep my head above water. I feel like a Lisa.

 

me: let's build a cube environment in the living room so we can be more productive!

some things that have happened lately

I'm going to resist my nature and not make this an organized list.

 

I got my new tires installed yesterday, and its taking some getting used to. Who would have thought that run-flats were so yucky?!

I don't feel the bumps of cat-eyes, manholes, uneven pavement like I used to.

I don't "loose control" in road ruts

It almost feels like my car is bouncy!

I REALLY want to take them somewhere where I can test the corner handling!!!!!

 

This is Daniel's last week at ASU. We are going to help him move out of his dorm tomorrow, and on Sat, he and 5 friends are going to camp in our back yard.

I think we'll lock the cats in the bedroom with us and leave all the doors open so that they don't keep us awake coming in and out to the bathroom etc.

I can't believe that this time has gone by so fast!!!

I didn't see him nearly enough... but I have to say, that I like the changes that I have observed from his first week to now. I hope they stick when he goes home.

 

Yesterday was the MOST incredible work day I have had in a long while. I do not believe there was a single moment when I was in control of the task I was performing - I mean, I didn't select what I was working on; every moment was a reaction to someone who came in to my office; and there were always two people waiting in the hall.... I got home at 7:30, ate a burrito that Greg made for me, and went to bed and asleep at 8:30.

 

I have been tracking what I eat - calories, fat, protein, and carbs. My trainer wants me to eat at least 1500 calories with 40% each protein and carb, 20% fat. Let me tell you how hard that is! all three of those criteria! I am most typically 1000 calories, 20% each fat and protein, and 60% carb. EVERYTHING has carbs except straight MEAT. So you are always adding to the carb column and usually just a little to the protein - unless you eat MEAT!

 

that's it.

I crack myself up

My stepmother LOVES to shop. While she was shopping here, she accumulated a lot of those nice square-bottom bags they give you at boutiques. She asked me if I kept them. I thought this was really weird 'cause why would I want a bunch of Victorias Secret bags lying around! She says she keeps a stash under the bed to carry things in when she needs an extra bag, because they have nice handles, etc. I thought this was a strange concept because I have actuals BAGS for that. It occurred to me, that if you have value for the Gap, Macy's, Burberry, Juicy, you might want people to see you walking around with one of the bags for random stuff 'cause it meant you'd bought something there. Whatever, I don't have that way of thinking - I thought to myself...
Until, I was in my closet, looking in the back behind the dresses, and I found THIS,



A shopping bag from the MINI dealer! Saved, I suppose for another use... to carry around other stuff so that people know I bought something there! I guess its all about the image you want to project.
=)

Was it the right decision?

Sometimes, I guess, you get a chance to go backwards in time and reevaluate a decision.

 

This past weekend, we went to THE American archaeology conference. I gave a paper and Greg had a booth. The last one I went to was 10 years ago. Isn't that crazy?

 

I was expecting to sit in my session, give my paper, and spend the rest of the time waiting for Greg.

Well, that didn't happen.

I ran into so many people that I know, from so many different contexts, it was insane!

People I haven't seen in over 10 years.

I even decided to go to some sessions other than my own and see what research people are working on.

 

So what was the decision I got to reevaluate?

 

About 6 years ago, I decided to stop pursuing my career as an archaeologist. I decided to go into management in a general sense. So, I stopped doing research, I stopped reading research, I stopped going to the regional conferences, and I stopped staying in touch.

 

Sitting in these meetings, I got to think about whether or not that was the right decision - for me.

 

I would expect that some of the people I ran into thought that it was a loss that I am not doing research and contributing to the field. I know that people thought I was really good at that.

 

I have learned that there are a lot of things I am good at. There are a lot of things that I could spend all day doing. Starting with being a school teacher, being a mom, baking, cooking, sewing, being a research archaeologist.

 

But you know, just because you're good at something, doesn't mean that its something you should be doing all day.

 

I don't want to do any of those things above all day.

 

In sitting in those sessions and reevaluating my decisions, I realize that I have made the right one. Being a Project Manager uses my strengths, uses my skills, and provides me with challenges that I want to take on, and that's the difference. I know what the challenges are for the listed items above, and I don't really care to take them on.

 

What I'm doing now gets me out of bed in the morning and makes my commute in traffic worth it.

 

That may be a change from some of the posts I've put up in the past - so I'll tell you that a couple months ago, I started working with a new project manager on projects for a different client. And I am having fun. Last week, I was officially moved over to the Civil Department. I am no longer a group lead, I am no longer a division head, I am no longer responsible for business development in a field I think is STUPID! I no longer supervise the emotionally unstable girly boy who yelled at me!

 

and yes, I am happy about all of the above.

Adam works magic with the universe

My youngest brother, Adam, was scheduled to return to Australia on a Thursday.

He really didn't want to go.

He wanted to stay the weekend and continue the merrymaking with his two older brothers.

My Dad told him that the cost to change the ticket was not worth it, that he had obligations to his soccer team on Sat, and that he should be in class on Monday.

 

We took Adam to the airport for his evening flight during a CRAZY wind storm that had come out of nowhere. I was almost afraid of driving my little car in the gusts. Adam was scheduled to fly to SF to catch an 11PM flight to Sydney.

 

About an hour later, he called us to say that his flight was delayed two hours, he'd miss his connected to Sydney, and the next flight they could get him on to cross the ocean was on Monday !!!

His options where to fly to SF and spend the weekend in a hotel, or come back to my house and take another flight to SF on Monday for the international flight - which coincidentally was the same one his parents were on.

 

And I'm sure you can guess what he decided to do.

 

PS

I just reread that last post...

it should be pretty easy to "type" my personality from that in case you hadn't figured it out already.

 

I'll call you attention to two items:

1. no adjectives

2. no emotions

 

and now you have a list!

Knock Knock

is anyone there?

 

oh! Aaron! hey, Hi! good to see you again!

 

Yeah, I haven't been around much lately... SO much has happened, and the thought of going through it all is daunting, and so I avoid.

 

and to briefly summarize the last 3 weeks:

Dad and stepmom + youngest brother + oldest brother and wife (M&M) all in my house for two weeks

WHERE IS THE KOSHER-FOR-PASSOVER MATZO IN THIS TOWN?!

Middle brother and all his college friends over for Fri Night - thanks to Dad and the Italian place next door, I didn't have to cook!

MORE kosher-for-passover matzo !

BBQ party for the whole family gang + all my close Phoenix friends + all of milddle brother's college friends; again! thanks to Dad, Greg, everyone who brought food, and my oldest brother, I didn't have to cook, or clean up

Everyone left except M&M and he cooked an INCREDIBLE meal everynight for a week.

Now they are off to Coachella, and we are alone in the house - good and bad - if you know what I mean.

Sat: Flamenco show in Gilbert at 11, lunch, drive to Flagstaff, late for tech rehersal at 4pm, show at 7:30, drive home, bed at 11!

Sun: LAY ON THE COUCH

 

 

I just sent this to my mom in an email, it kinda captures today:

 

Today my new rate starts, and I feel under extra pressure to be "worth" the extra $8/hr.

Plus one of the guys that I've been "shadowing" is being assigned to TX for a year, so I will be 100% in-charge of a bunch of engineering projects where I'm just winging it at every moment.

 

so - all the pressure and stress just escalated.

 

Greg and I are going to Austin on Thursday for the Society for American Arch conf. DeAnn is coming too, and I'm giving a presentation on Friday AM (!!!)

I intend to spend the rest of the weekend in the hotel room watching TV and maybe make an appnt for a massage - instead of going to any sessions !!!!!

 

I am also trying very hard to not let work interfere with my working out!

and one of my flamenco fellows asked if I would like to do semi-privates with her as well as the Tues class; I said yes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

update - for my blogreaders

I am still overwhelmed at work by the workload.

I am waiting right now for comments back on the last submittal, and in order to take a break, I'm going to give you an update.

well, not about the work stuff.... I'm not sure its a good idea to talk about that here.

 

But about life.

 

I have been in a bit of a panic the last couple of weeks, actually the last week, because my personal trainer is moving to Dallas.

I didn't really realize how, like, co-dependent I'd become until the reality of his leaving hit me.

I've been in a bit of turmoil, both because of the whole upsetness of the leaving, but then I was also, like, really SHOCKED that it was upsetting me that much.

 

first off, he's not the kind of guy that I would be friends with, but he has a lot of similar traits to me, so we connected on that level of understanding what it means to not be easy to be supervised by an employer, being conscientious, wanting things a certain way; so what I'm telling you here, is that it wasn't really who he is as a person that I was upset about... that's why it was freaking me out.

 

what I figure, is that people are all a little bit conceited. And when you find someone who helps you achieve an appearance that you didn't think you could have - like a really good hairdresser who gets the color just right - you become connected and dependent on that person because you know, or don't think, you can do it on your own.

Also - he is SO self-confident and possessive, that he was not telling me if there was someone else available for me 'cause he doesn't think anyone is as good as he is, and he didn't want to give up any of his clients. So I was panicking that I would start declining in my fitness!! Who was going to set my weights? Who was going to give me my cardio?! I started looking for books, and they were all so sucky, that made me panic some more! I was actually CRYING about it last weekend; after I'd gone to the gym, and it felt like SUCH a lonely place.

It was the same crying as when I watch a marathon, or the Ironman on TV. Like proud that you'd reached a goal, and hopeful that you can make it.

 

so in the case of my personal trainer, I started from this place of having NO muscle tone, and ab.so.lu.te.ly no endurance, and in 4.5 months, I actually have muscles that you can see on my back, my arms, my calves - yikes! I am not a SKINNY person... and let me tell you, you don't know how much ridicule I had to endure throughout my childhood (especially from my UNCLE) about being skinny!! I can run for an HOUR and a HALF, and for about 20 minutes of that at a 10 minute mile! Holy Crap!!!! before, I couldn't even run ONE, now I can run FIVE!!!!

and in retrospect, it wasn't that hard.... I just did what Mr. PT told me to do. And here I am.

So - yes, I was pretty upset 'cause I didn't want to not be this fit, ripped person.

In fact, I want to be MORE ripped and fit.

 

A couple months ago, we decided to set a goal, and I thought that it should be about body fat. I didn't want to say "run a 5K" or "lose 10 pounds" - I've been gaining weight during this whole PT thing - so I said, what is a good range for a regularly fit woman, and he said about 15-20, or something like that. so, I said, let's shoot for 19/20 by the time you go to Dallas.

We measured body fat a couple months later, and it wasn't down that much. I thought - yikes, we're not going to make it... we're not going fast enough, and I was pretty sad.

 

Well - today was my last session... we did the body fat thing, and you wouldn't believe it... it was 18!!

 

I am SO happy!!!!!

It makes me feel that anything is achievable, that I can have the body I always imagined, dreamed of; not just the one I accept.

 

Also - he introduced me to my new trainer - Chad - who was SUPER cool!!! and so I feel like I will have help! still a little apprehensive 'cause I don't know this new guy's style, or whether or not it will work... but I know that Jeff is SUPER critical, so I figure this guy has to be worth something.

 

and I have to set new goals. So how about this: Madonna arms, 6-pack abs that are visible (I think I have a 6-pack now, you just can't see it), and 10 miles...?

 

(something interesting... there are NO blog posts about Jeff - just that first one about Nicki; hmmmm....)

 

This time last year...

I was preparing to go to AMVIV.

 

You know, the meetup of MINIs in Vegas.

The whole blown tire saga...

The Strip cruise...

The track day...

Oh so much fun!

 

This year, we are passing because in a week, I will have family at my house!

That's right, we are going to be full to the gills with Folbs!

There will be 5 Folbs, a Brown and a Lee - who kinda count as Folbs too.

And then a visiting Folb from Rural & Apache; so EIGHT altogether!

Eight people in our house has to be a record.

 

We have been cleaning, moving furniture, buying furniture, and making sleeping space for all these Folbs!

 

It just occurred to me on my way to work that I need to come up with a dinner plan because on-the-fly might not work.

 

hummm....

 

any ideas?

 

 

Is it worth it?

This past week was probably one of the worst work weeks I've ever had.

I've worked long hours on projects with short deadlines, but they were never as hard as this.

I lost my patience twice, I begged, I pleaded, I reasoned, I did everything to make things happen short of throwing up and crying. And I was close on those two counts also. I feel like my ability to get something done was put to the utmost test. At every turn, there was a block, another decision that had to be made, another problem to solve. And some of the people I was dealing with? working with? were part of the problem. Do you remember that proposal I worked on last summer? how I was at home writing, coordinating with reviewers and contributors all over the country? Well, this week made that look like a walk in the park.

And no, its not over yet. I am still getting calls, emails, people involving me. And the worst part is that next week will be the same, but with all the OTHER projects I'm working on that got NO attention this week because of the INSANITY that was my job.