I would never have thought

I just went to the NaBloPoMo site where are the participants are listed... and guess what! I'm not on it!!

 

I found where I "signed up", and I know there were a lot of people to keep track of, so I can understand how a little me could get missed... but realizing that this is half done, there's all these things that are getting people visited, and how much I have enjoyed the new visitors I *have* had, I'm really sad that I might have missed out on a whole bunch more!!!

 

I would never have thought that something like this would bum me out.

 

I guess I should be really psyched that I have new readers and new commenters, and I learned things about old friends that I didn't know, and I posted a whole hell of a lot!! so something was gained anyway, right?! 

n=16 argh!

I got up at 5:30 to be ready by 6:00 am for my ride to Tucson.
6:30, not here yet, so I call - he's still about 20 mins away!
6:50ish, get on the road to Tucson.
I had not eaten breakfast 'cause I figured we'd stop at strbcks on the way, and now we were about 45 mins late, so no stopping.
8:40 get to meeting
PEE!!!!
sit in meeting until 1pm
I AM STARVING by now.
1pm eat BBQ - in TWO SECONDS!!!!
back to meetings.
4pm - give up. leave.
take circuitious route through Tucson to find a coffee place.
PEE!!
drink a chai and a water, eat madelines - after yesterday, I know I don't need those, but who CARES!
drive through Tucson traffic to get to highway.
6:30 get home.

there are emails I should respond to
there are things I should do
but, for GOOD reason... I feel sick
and I'm tired, so I'm fucking going to veg on the couch and watch TV!!

you in my inbox... you don't mind waiting another day do you???

love ya!

n=15 personal trainer

Today I met with a personal trainer.
This is not the first time that I've met with one, but maybe this is the first time I felt it was real.

The first time was at my old gym, when I joined up they gave me the free sign-up session. Didn't stick. I felt like they were normalizing me like putting me through the sausage factory.... "this.is.the.workout.that.people.do."

A month ago, I thought I'd give it a try at my current gym. I have friends who work with trainers here, and my one friend LOVES her trainer.
So I went to the trainer counter and asked them how it works. A young girl "got" me, I figured I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and saw it through the intro meeting. Again... "this.is.the.workout.that.people.do" but with a different flavor - NOT!
I told my friend who loves her trainer, and woo hoo, she hooked me up. Well that's who I met with today. And, yeah, she's good. She listened to what I said my goals were, and she explained to me what I need to do to get there. I heard her, and I signed up.

But, I have to say, its a little humiliating! Like, "umm, this body you have, you're not really using it right, see here? all these numbers, they say that you don't know what you're doing! ah, yeah, this running program you're putting yourself on? its not gonna work, 'cause, umm, you don't know what you're doing."
now - she did not say these things to me, and she was actually very nice with me, I'm just saying, this is like the deep seeded issue I have with whether or not I can take care of my body.

Anyway, we are on the path to recovery. Soon to be personal trained!! and I'm hoping that I'll look like Jennifer Aniston, no, not her face, her BODY! she's the same age as me, that's why she's my "goal" look.

later, I'm going to eat some FAT!!

n=14 high emotion

What do you do when you are in a moment and your emotions get elevated?
Do you scream and shout? do you punch and hit? do you hold it in and release it later?

What about a situation that you go into with high emotion but you know you have to keep it under control?
Do you talk softer? does your voice crackle? do you scream and shout?

I cry.
GOD I hate it!
Its not sobbing crying, just tears running down my face.
It looks like weakness, but its just the release of emotion, and when I am angry, that's the physical response. It really does not work. And every time I'm in one of those situations, I think "control it, control it"...
but it never fails.
My physical response wins.

this is just not a good behavior if you want to be considered seriously at work

n=13 on marriage

This one is hard because I've never thought about how I came to have my opinions on marriage. I'll have to think about it as I go here...

I am a pretty self-sufficient person. I think I have always been this was - as I hear from my mother. I don't ever remember thinking about being married or in a relationship when I was a child. I used to dream and plan about what I would do when I had my own apartment. I had lots of plans for when I was finally not living at home.
Keep in mind, also, that at the age of 6, I decided that I would move to America, which means that I never had any long term plans for South Africa. All my plans had me living without my family in America.
I have NEVER, EVER, imagined myself in a wedding dress. I have never imagined my perfect wedding day. I have never ever thought about that ONE DAY.
I did, however, imagine the companionship and partnership of sharing my life.

Being such a... I hate all the words that can be used to describe me because at some point in my life they have been used as a negative - even though it is a matter of opinion which way they go, so let's just say: being the way I am, I didn't have a lot of attention from guys in high school. They were chauvanistic men who wanted wives. Maybe that's when I started feeling like I was not going to be a wife.
I remember one time sitting around with a bunch of girls and they were talking about how they didn't see the need to learn to drive because their husbands would drive them everywhere they needed to go! Now, in my mind... driving was my first step in the plan to that little apartment. Nowhere in my plan was there a husband.

moving on - to anthropology.
I think this should be a required subject in college, like science and English. Why? because it teaches you about "other"... it makes you realize that there is not ONE WAY... all over the world there are people living their lives in a social system that they believe is right, and The One. But guess what?! it completely contradicts YOURS!! haha... what are you supposed to do about that?! I love it.

Anyway... matriarchal, multiple wives, multiple husbands, bands, tribes, villages, one god, many, spirits, witchcraft, huts, houses, so much diversity in the world. What did I take from all of this for myself? anything is acceptible, and you can define your life if you want to. That is my freedom. I want to live my life on my terms, not those defined by society. The society that I live in, keep in mind, 'cause they are all different.

which leads you to realizing that marriage is not a necessity. It is not an end, it is not a goal, it is just a convention of THIS society.

I do not want to be someone's "wife". I do not want someone to define themselves as my "husband". I do not want what comes with our culture's perception of that word: marriage
(And the fact that people are all worked up about it with the whole gay marriage thing proves my point - but that's another story).

so here I am... I do not need my relationship with my partner to be defined by the legal proceedings of the state I live in. I do not need to define my relationship with Mr. B for you. I only need to define my relationship for me; and we do that everyday when we interact, make decisions, overcome advesity, look at our home, look at our life, make each other laugh, and on and on.
why, on earth, do I need a piece of paper filed in a courthouse to do that for me?

Let me tell you, though, that this is THE most often asked question... people do not understand my decision.
and when they ask
"why are you not married?"
my answer is now:
"I have not yet heard a good enough reason." and of course, said person goes through their opinion of why we should be married:
kids (if gay couples can adopt, and they can't get married, why can't we?)
expression of love (nice one! I don't love Greg?!)
committment (ha ha... if someone is "committed" to you because of a paper, they are not committed to you... they are required by law to be with you... yip, that's the relationship *I* want)
security (huh?)
etc

Greg and I have been doing this for 13 years. We have papers filed at a lawyer's that give us all those legal rights that marriage gives us... but guess what...
WE WROTE THEM! WE DEFINED THEM!

My friends tell me that they are married because it is something that they wanted. Now, implicit in that statement is the expression that it was something that they needed to do. They do not judge me for not being married, and I do not judge them for being married. They understand that it is not something that I want, just as I understand that it is something they they want.

does that make sense?

n=12 in response to Rebecca; why I don't have kids

ok, children first.
I'll stick to the highlights, so if anyone wants elaboration, let me know.

My mom and my aunt are elementary school teachers, so my childhood was filled with them developing lesson plans and talking about children and how they "work". I don't even know if I can say what it is that I absorbed those years, but I do know that I have an intrinsic understanding of how kids work.

Second, my aunt had kids later in life, and I was 11 when the first was born, so I was the perfect age for childcare slavery. My aunt and I were really close and so she let me do pretty much everything. My cousins were born 2 years apart, so that was some concentrated childrearing experience. And I kinda felt like I had, through those experiences, "done" the childrearing thing. So it has never been an experience that I felt I needed to have.

But the REALLY big deciding factor was that when my aunt was about 6 months pregnant, she and my mom had a conversation about all the things that can go wrong during pregnancy and childbirth. I think I pretty much decided at that point that I was never going to do that to myself (at the age of 11, I actually decided that I was going to get a hysterectomy when I was 18 - how's that for being decisive?) So that seed of a decision was given water and sunlight as I realized other things about pregnancy and childbirth through life - I'm not even going to go through the list.

(I told my aunt all this recently, and it really upset her 'cause she didn't want to be "blamed" for my decision - but you know, there had to be something in me that felt this way for those realizations to attach to)

Next - I am a pretty competitive, ambitious person... and I wanted to make sure that I was confident in my career before I did anthing to compromise it.
I also like new experiences and learning, so the idea of going back and doing something I've already done doesn't ever attract me. If I had never been a part of a new-born becoming a kid, I might want to give it a try, but since I feel that I've had that experience in a major way, its not a place I need to go to.

and Finally - as I've gotten older, and become comfortable with my life, I've learned and realized about the hell that is the life of a foster child, or child up for adoption. And my (I guess its political?) point of view has become that there are so many children out there who have the potential to become something with the right nurturing that its selfish to create another kid when you are a happy couple/life that has stability and love to offer.
JUST PLEASE NOTE: this is my opinion, and in no way does it mean I judge people who give birth!

so those are the big point in the book of "Why Lisa doesn't want to give birth to a baby".

how about you?





(rebecca, you're a sneaky sneak! I thought it was you, but I wasn't 100% sure until you commented at Mr. DRB!! now I realize you're more interested in why I'm not married, 'cause you have 2 great kids, so it can't be the kid thing that you identify with (?)...)

n=11 whew!

Today was so busy! I didn't get 1/2 the things done that I wanted to!
I promise I'll do a better post tomorrow.

Conversations with Aaron B Stiner - Shout Out

Aaron is at it again. He would like to try and create a new means of communication. Are you interested in giving it a go?

n=10 A special shout-out

I love Ryan Kennedy.

He got me a response to this issue I was having. And not only that, the person has actually offered to make sure to see the resolution through.

and this brings me to an interesting feeling.
obviously, Mr. Kennedy found my issue because I turned up in a search or some other type of tracking thing he does to find Yahoo! mail out there.
and its kinda funny to "meet" someone this way, and its kinda funny to do "business" by posting a whiney moan in my blog and get help on an issue.
but it also kinda feels good.

I guess, this is an official documenting of my official visibility in the blog world

and I guess I like that.

I haven't been trying very hard to make it happen, so I'm surprised, and I like it!!

but enough about me...

THANK YOU Ryan Kennedy!!! thank you VERY much!!!!!!
for finding me, for pinging "M", for helping!!

(see, it doesn't take much to make me happy)

n=9 Ramblings and offers

Today I am in a "numb" mood. I think its because I'm tired from not sleeping well last night. Greg got up to turn off the spa filter - something wrong there - around 2am and I didn't really fall asleep again after that. I then spent 2.5 hours driving in traffic to return the rental and pick up my car from yesterday. Since it was pretty cold this morning, I didn't take down the Miata top, so that was kind of a bummer.

Anyway... I am plodding through crap at work. I am very stressed out, and not having a kitchen stresses me out, and money stresses me out, and worrying about all of that crap stresses me out, and working late hours so that I don't get to do my extra-curricular activities pisses me off! and then I feel unfit and like its SO FAR to work back up to where I want to be... and then I feel old, which makes me feel like I LOOK old, and then I get depressed, and stressed, 'cause my life is flying by, and am I really doing what I want to be doing? and am I really spending my time in the way I want? so that I get the most out of every moment? and that answer is a HUGE NO! so that makes me depressed and stressed, and then I look at this aaaaaaaa and wish I lived THERE! but I know that's not easy... 'cause it also includes a lot of this: YIKES!
whine, whine, whine... get your shit together already, Lisa!!

anyway... that's not what I wanted to go on about today...
instead, I thought I would put out there for my "regular" readers...

is there anything you have ever wondered about me?
(you can post an anonymous comment if you don't want to be "recorded")
or is there an opinion of mine you've never heard before (SHOCKER!) that you might like me to go on about?
Since I am trying to post every day in November, I figure I might as well give you something to read that you'd actually WANT to read.....

n=8 Fall in AZ and Cars

Fall in AZ

How do you tell when its fall in AZ?

well - its November and still 90, there are no clouds, and its still brown; but I found something this morning...

instead of being brown sand or green fields, the cotton is WHITE!!

So that's how you can tell its fall in AZ - the cotton fields are white. Its very beautiful (I suppose I should have taken a photo).

 

anyway - Cars.

 

so, my service engine light came on... don't know why... so I took the car in. When you do that, they give you a free rental. I have been given a Mazda 6, Hyundai Sonata, and I think a grand am... After all those monsters, I learned the last time, that I should ask for "the smallest car you can give me"... last time, that was a Mazda 3 - MUCH better than the 6, Sonata or grand am... well, today I went in later than the morning rush, and there wasn't much on the lot. I was having Taurus fears, and so I said to the car (eyeing the 3 convertible MINIs) "give me the smallest car you can - yes, I'd take a SMART".

Well - he took me seriously-ish.... and I am now driving a Miata MX5 red convertible !!

I must say, I am impressed. It handles very well, has sufficient power, and there is virtually NO air movement with the top down!! It has the CVT transmission with the shift paddles on the steering wheel and that's kinda fun to play with. I am going to keep it overnight because it is SO MUCH FUN!!

Grr... to Yahoo! Mail

I have been using the new Yahoo! Mail, previously known as Yahoo! Mail Beta for the past year now, at least... well, the other day it stopped working, and I am back in Classic Yahoo! Mail... and I hate it!

I want the new interface back!!

I have sent emails to the Help department EVERY DAY and I still haven't heard what's going on.....

When I try to go in, I get this message "Couldn't open mailbox!"
comeon, that's just mean!!

do any of you use the new Yahoo! Mail? are you kicked out? or is it just me?
Farm 421 needs your help!!!

n=7 Choosing a Path toward Affect *

This guy in my office turned in his resignation yesterday because he is joining the airforce.

 

Background: he is a "design associate" which is a fancy way of saying an architect who is nearly registered; which means he has a degree; which means he enlists as an officer. Also - and actually I just remembered the details of this - he is a SINGLE dad with 2 kids. He told his boss (I learned of all this second-hand) that this is something he has always wanted to do.

 

So, I started thinking about why someone would join the armed forces at this point in time. Someone who is older, has 2 kids, a degree, and a successful career in the discipline of the degree.

Its not like he needs help paying for college, its not like he needs to "find himself", its not like he needs to bide time until he has direction; so the only reason I can think of is that he wants to make a difference, he wants to contribute, he wants to do something to have an effect*.

 

ok - so let's say this is the reason...

(no, Aaron, I haven't asked him. I'm scared to talk to him about it because I can't guarantee that my feelings on the subject won't come out during the conversation... and for those of you who actually know me, you are probably chuckling to yourself right now.)

anyway... can you affect* change by joining the armed forces?

well - its seems crazy to me because when you are in such an institution of RANK, you are expected to just take orders. Or give orders. Can you make change? probably not... you can possibly get sent to Iraq, and have a good statistical chance at getting KILLED.

It seems to me that a better way to work on making change is Aaron's route... find a way to get your message out. Communicate with the people, tell them what you think, get them to see your point of view, go into politics, represent yourself, represent your people.

 

Don't go and get yourself killed.

 

Am I missing something? maybe its my values that judge the armed forces this way. Do tell if I have got it wrong.

 

by the way - it seems that its easier to think of topics for my Nov posts during the week, actually, its downright easy. I guess this is proof that I do a good job shutting down my brain on the weekend. Yay me!

 

* if I'm not using the words in their correct meaning, keep it to yourself... at least I'm trying.

n=6 serial numbers

Why is it that they put serial numbers in such hard to find places?!

If they know that this number is going to be the one by which they track and follow your piece of equipment for the rest of its existance... why ON EARTH do they put it in such a hard to find/reach/locate place??!!

 

case in point:

my garage door opener. It has a light cover that is clipped in on the bottom, and screwed on at the top, there is a BIG GREASY POLE stuck into the top, and of course, the top is at the same height as the CEILING of the garage. So I'm having a problem, and I call, and the first thing they want is the serial number. Well, of course, its not on the outside - like it should be, in BIG LETTERS ON THE UNDERSIDE like the roof of emergency vehicles, so I can see it from the FLOOR! - and nor is it on the inside of the light cover AT THE BOTTOM, and no, its not near the top... its UNDER THE BIG METAL GREASY BAR !!! so not only do I have to locate a PHILIPS screwdriver, unscrew the light cover, I also have to find the BIG ladder, and schmoosh my face up close to the BIG METAL GREASY BAR to locate this number.

 

Keep in mind that my garage is still full of my kitchen cabinets and I need this number so that I can get a replacement "reciever" so that I can program a keypad entry for my garage door so that the contractor can get in and install said cabinets  !

 

so don't you want to come over and watch while I try to set up the ladder in the garage between the cabinets and get this lovely grease all over me from the lovely bar as I try to find a serial number so that TWO MONTHS from now (when the kitchen is done and already WRECKED), I can get a new receiver to program the keyless remote entry box thing, for which I already threw out the packaging so I can't return it since its more work than its WORTH!

 

oh, and I nearly forgot, they need the serial number to figure out whether or not the opener is under warranty.... wait a minute! I can help them out with that one, and save myself all this trouble.... the answer is NO!!!!!!!

 

 

n=5 progression of life: a view from the mall

Here is an observation from being at the mall last night. It includes gross generalizations that you are just going to have to live with.

We ate dinner at the outside bar that looks at the mall entrance so we watched people going in and out and then we walked through the ford court to go into the mall.

I saw a lot of teenagers posturing. There were girls flirting with boys and vice versa. Let’s assume they are not having sex… so there’s all this flirting and playing with the implicit understanding that what they want is sex, partnership, pairing, with the goal of marriage. And what comes with marriage? Kids.
You look at all these teenagers and they are having fun and there’s excitement, electricity, and energy.

Next you have the young couples. They are holding hands, or wrapped up in each other, and all in love. They are the teenagers in the next step or phase. Now they have coupled and there is the sense of relief, and perhaps excitement for the anticipation of what comes next. The potential of the rest of their lives. And what is that? Kids?

Then you have the food court and it is almost all parent(s) with kid(s).
And there is a look of faraway in their eyes. They are absentmindedly feeding the kid. Or they are wrangling the kid, cleaning the kid, trying to distract the kid.
There is a distractedness of longing for simplicity. They are at the mall to get out of the house and this is a safe place to go.

The progression.

Do you get what I’m trying to get at? It was weird seeing all phases in one place. I wanted to say to the teenagers “just look inside. Is this really what you want? Do you realize this is the end gave to your posturing? If you could, would you make different choices?

n=4 Sat

Aah, Saturday.
cutting this one close forgetting in a post a day!
We slept in, went for breakfast (Brunchies), lay on the lawn, shopped for paint(Oatmeal and Tibetan Jasmine), dinner (Kona), mall (Chandler), movie (Borat).
A very relaxing G. birthday for both of us.

I had a thought at the mall. It has to do with the cycle of life as it is represented at the mall. I'll fill you in tomorrow. ;-)

n=3 - Ummm?

Well, here's the problem.

today, I have nothing to say...

or at least nothing I think is worth saying.

so, let's think... why is that?

 

I suppose because its Friday, I've worked late everyday this week (except Tues, but that was the day of the 90 minute commute home), its been dark when I get home (always a bummer), I've been pissed off by something that happened at work at least twice, once had me so mad I cried, so I'm spent, irritated, and ready for quality TV time!

 

If I write anything here its going to be negative, bitching about someone or something, or just downright depressing, so I'll reserve my comments for the inside of my self, and let you continue to imagine me as a nice-ish person.

 

for the record though, I tried all the way to work to think of something nice and positive to write about, but that also spiraled into bad thoughts, so I'm just going to end here.

Bad News for Baker

Remember this: HELL?

we didn't get it
now how likely am I to do that again?

n=2 traffic

Today's topic is traffic.

I've been accumulating these but always forget to write about them, seems like this is a good opportunity to make conversation.

1. If I am in the travel lane, I have the right of way. Just because you put your turn signal on, does not mean that I give way to you - idiot!

2. If you are not travelling at the speed of traffic, move to the right. Hello! doesn't it say "slower traffic move right". Do you not understand that you have now BECOME the CAUSE of TRAFFIC.

3. Did you not hear that you are now required by law to keep a 2 second space between you and the car in front of you? This means that you should respect MY space. Don't steal it!! If everyone maintained their space, we would all have wiggle room for slowing down, and quite possibly, the stop and go traffic that WASTES GAS AND PRODUCED CO2 would be reduced! And besides, it means that I might be able to avoid putting in my clutch - just this ONCE ! PLEASE ! help me reduce my clutching!

4. If you cannot operate your vehicle, a weapon of mass destruction - for many reasons but particularly because you only have ONE hand (and no handicapped plate and special car) because the other is holding the PHONE to your EAR - safely... GET OFF THE ROAD! You are obliged by LAW to use your turn-signal to COMMUNICATE with ME; so GET OFF THE PHONE and communicate with ME!

Driving is the only time that I am ensconced in the general public; therefore it is the only time that I get a good feel for the intelligence of the general population, and honestly, I am disappointed! and it mostly makes me angry.

November is for blogging, or n=1

I'm not a very good regular blogger. I don't think that I have something worth saying every ... day ... Some of the bloggers I read do, but they are either more practiced, interesting, or patient than me. So, I figured I would give the NaBloPoMo a Go.

(can someone tell me how to add the banner in my sidebar? I don't know anything about html, or blogger templates. I have the .jpg in flickr, what is the code I add here?)

This means that I might be posting some drivel! So I won't be offended if you leave. I know, I don't have patience for scroll and scrolls of text!

And in keeping with my technical writing strengths, I'm going to number these entries like a count..
So for n=1 you get Halloween.

Halloween 1, SUCKY = taking NINETY minutes to drive the 20 miles home. and I left work at 4 ! Next year, I'm leaving work at ONE! or I might just "work at home" all day.

Halloween 2 = Our house looked pretty cute... we each did a pumpkin and I put one on the mailbox, then I lit luminaries all the way down the drive and walkway. We had the smoking cauldron, giant spider, and rats.

Halloween 3 = there were TONS of kids; I nearly ran out of candy; and I had fun.

Halloween 4 = a friend from work and his 3 kids came over (they live very close) and it was fun to actually have some kid-energy IN the house.

Halloween 5 = about 5 cars of people drove in and canvased the neighborhood. I wouldn't have minded if they had separated out, but they decended in one big clump, and that many people do not fit in our outside "vestibule".

Halloween 6 = I got a call from the Harry Mitchell campaign (Aaron), and I told him to call people who a) hadn't voted yet and b) needed to hear WHY they HAVE TO vote for Harry Mitchell

Halloween 7 = people at work dressed up like the Alice in Wonderland characters. Whatever!

Halloween 8, a Thought = if you are out with your kids GETTING candy, it makes sense for the other parent to be at home GIVING IT OUT. ie you complete the circle. When you don't HAVE kids, and you're giving it out, does that count as good karma? hope so

let's see what I can come up with for n=2... I'm curious, aren't you?

Conversations with Aaron B Stiner - 13000 Sleeps

This is my friend Aaron. He is trying to change the world one conversation at a time. Do you agree? Do you not? Let him know.

"Are you nuts?"

this is the best voting argument letter EVER!
There's a proposition on the AZ ballot that all voting get done by mail-in ballot and that polling places get closed.

ARGUMENTS "AGAINST" PROPOSITION 205
Are you nuts? This is the "Let's Destroy America" proposal.
The nation is supposed to rise up as a whole, and make decisions all at once, on election day, IN PERSON. It's traditional, historic, part of our very fabric. It helps make America great. The body politic acts, live, at the polls. America invented this. It's not delivery work for the Post Office.
Closing polling places for mailed elections makes fraud easy -- did the Post Office deliver your signed ballot? You won't know. Did you even get one in time? Did someone else gets yours... or two? Did you vote early, and now your candidate is... dead? Under investigation? In prison? Imagine the lines with most polls closed.
Voting is a sacred right of liberty. It requires a little effort folks. You have to find out who's running and what the issues are. Then you have to get off your lazy keester, go to a polling place with your neighbors and cast your vote. If that's too much, then you personally are letting precious freedom die. This isn't about the disabled or absentees -- it's about citizenship.
Iraqi people went out to vote, under threat of murder. Americans have given their lives, for centuries, so you could go vote. Honor them. Don't sell out for a lazy, corruptible mail-order substitute.
Next thing you know, they'll offer lotteries to get your vote. Then, people who know nothing and simply want a loser's chance to win money will mail in chances to win. What's that -- someone's already proposing cash giveaways?
Preserve freedom. Defeat the Vote by Mail Act. And get more news authorities hide from you at PageNine.org, or for real freedom issues, check out The Liberty Poll at GunLaws.com.
Alan Korwin, Author
Gun Laws of America
alan@bloomfieldpress.com
Alan Korwin, Author, Gun Laws of America, Scottsdale

I give in to the meme

As always, my copycats come from Blackbird; and her friend Poppy
this one's funny, I think.

1. Flip to page 18, paragraph 4 - in the book closest to you right now, what does it say?
"When you are older, perhaps."
Tomb of the Golden Bird - Elizabeth Peters

2. If you stretch out your left arm as far as possible, what are you touching?
Cat brush-prickly

3. What's the last program you watched on TV?
It was last week, I guess, I can't remember
Maybe Survivor

4. Without looking, guess what time it is.
9.45am? hum-10am

5. Aside from the computer, what can you hear right now?
Someone drilling and Molly purring

6. When was the last time you were outside and what did you do?
Waited for Greg on the curb at the airport

7. What are you wearing?
Grey T-shirt and light/loose pants

8. Did you dream last night?
probably, but was so tired all I can remember is turning off the light

9. When was the last time you laughed?
Thursday- a couple times, but the best was when this older woman described herself (with pride) to have a "volatile personality". I laughed because I hope to be in that place at her age.

10. What's on the walls, in the room you're in right now?
Framed photos of beach ripples that Greg took and leaning on the walls are the framed prints of Australian aboriginal art from the living nom.

11. Have you seen anything strange lately?
no

12. What do you think about this meme?
interesting, fun to fill out

13. What's the last film you saw?
Family Stone - Blegh.

14. If you became a multimillionaire, what would you do with the money?
Pay off debt. Give to family, give to charity, stop working and adopt children.

15. Tell us something about yourself that most people don't know.


16. If you could change ONE THING in this world, without regarding politics or bad guilt, what would it be?
A willingness in people to consider the effect they have on the environment and the drive to do something about it.

17. Do you like dancing?
yes!

18. George Bush?
WHY?

19. What do you want your children's names to be, girl/boy?
The names they were given by their parents.

20. Would you ever consider living abroad?
I already do.

21. What do you want God to tell you, when you come to heaven?
You're done.

22. Who should do this meme?
whomever wants to!

fashion stylist

how long does it take for something to be hit in Google?

If I put in these keywords, will it get hit?

stylist

fashion

design

costa rica

what happens?

Weeds

Ok, I just found my newest favorite TV show.... this is better than Sex, better than Sopranos, and better than all the reality TV in the world !! well, maybe not the Amazing Race... not sure I'm ready to give that up. I am talking about Weeds. Wowzers!! Its hard to figure out what it is that gives this show its magic. There's humor, honesty, real-life reality, and a touch of the ab.so.lute.ly absurd! I am SO impressed at the creativity of the person who thought of the concept, the plot lines, the dialogue. Absolutely amazing!

At first I was disappointed that it was a 1/2 hour show... and then I learned, that the shortness is a part of the magic. All that action, story, and character development in such a little bit of time. I think that a large part of the power is in the cast. Mary-Louise Parker! I have always loved her! Boys on the Side was POWERFUL! and she does the suburban housewife too... and Elizabeth Perkins? incredible!! The whole cast! even the kids. This is some MUST SEE TV ! I would say its worth the Showtime premium, but I think that watching an episode and having to wait a week for the followup would be like TORTURE!

Blog observations

I have been traveling around the midwest (well, midwest by my definition - NC and PA) and have been spending alot of time alone with the internet. this means I've been reading blaugs. Even going through archives. I currently have three in rotation, and if I give them to you, you'll see how behind I am.
Amalah -03/04
Dooce - 10/15/02
LeahPeah -11/20/02
and incase you are also a fan, I put the month and year I am up to too.

As you can see, I'm working my way through Amalah more quickly - and I guess its 'cause she's just so darn funny!
In her life, she has just started treatments to get preg-o, so she's childless and commuting.
The interesting part is seeing the commenting increase and to watch how things change.
The funny - strange funny - thing is that 2 of her commenters are other blogs I read.

Miss Zoot and Rude Cactus

I think I found Zoot through Amalah, so that's not so surprising, but Rude Cactus was like a big "huh!?"

See, I found him from Master b., who is actually someone I know!
(this is like a 7 degrees game - hee hee)

And here's something else - he's not an her blogroll!
Did something happen between them,
Is there SCANDAL in the Blogsphere??!

I guess I have to keep reading to find out!

N = Ach; Yup, that's me!

I learned something yesterday, that kinda helped me with the frustration I was feeling last week.

I learned that according to McClelland
I am an "N-Ach (Need to Achieve)".
There are also "N-Aff (Need to Affiliate)" and "N-Ctl (Need to Control)".
The percentages fall out like this Ach = 15% Aff = 45% Ctl = 40%

So, basically, I'm in the minority. So it shouldn't surprise me that people are not like me. I should accept it. I should learn to work with the rest of the population, and have a little (ok a lot of) patience.

Today I am frustrated

Sometimes I wish I had someone else's life.

Like someone with a peaceful existance that doesn't require any decision making.

Its so frustrating that everything takes so much energy. Why does nothing ever seem to work unless you put in loads of energy?

Today I am frustrated because it seems like work has stopped.

There are no emails coming in.

There are no piles of things to do.

Where did it all go?

and I know the only way to get it back on track is to make it happen myself.

Why are there no people with initiative? why is everyone so willing to just sit in their cube and not try?

You would think that in the consulting industry people would have more drive... but, sadly, no they don't.

or maybe its just this company.

I think about that, and wonder if there is a way to find a company with people who care, people who really want a challenge, people who will think for themselves.

Is there a place out there like that? Is there a place where people actually care about their work, where you don't have to basically force them to work?

like I said, today I am frustrated.

Sunday morning blogs

Spent the morning reading blogs on my new toy. I think that the blogs I enjoy are all written by people who are writers. It makes me feel less bad about the pitifulness of the entries I post. The writers are creative, entertaining, funny.... I'm all matter of fact, dry, list'y... blegh.

In the end, though, that's who I am, and its not like I can suddenly become a creative writer after spending all my formative years avoiding English, creative writing, and being trained as a technical writer... you can't overnight stuff like that! Boy, if I could, I've overnight fix the fat on my stomach, the curve in my shoulders, and the lost time with my retainer!

Anyway... I have been reading back through the archives of some of my favorite bloggers, and its fun to notice when they start getting comments, and how their blogs change when they move from personal to public. The funny thing is that the comments all start hitting at once. So you don't know if people were lurking and waiting for the first person to post - like a high school dancefloor - or if its a coming together of the internet and after you've done your dues and stuck it out, the "world" finds you!!

I wouldn't mind finding some people like me on the internet... I think about it sometimes, and I realize that the issue is with me. My interests are so disparate that its hard to find people who are as random. And then I wonder, I don't really like that I am like the people who's blogs I read, nor do I know that I could be friends with them, so is this blogging world really a place where you can find virtual friends?

BTW - LOVE this new beta Blogger!

Lisa the Slacker

Lordy, I've been bad about posting !!
So much has been going on travel-wise, and my time at home is spent mostly vegging out!

There are all these draft posts waiting to be finished.... but typing on my computer is the last thing I want to do at home, and I've been too busy at work to work on blogging.... so this is a "stand by" post as we have a full weekend at home with no plans except packing the kitchen - although the bloody contractor hasn't called to confirm the demo of the kitchen on Mon as planned! So, perhaps we will be living in a house with a PACKED kitchen and NO contractor after this weekend - yay! Its not like I've been cooking anyway, so at least this will be a good excuse not to go shopping!

Tying a Knot

...between the Folbs, Eintrachts, Lees, and Moores.

One of the weekends I was gone this month was for the wedding of the oldest of my brothers.

It was the least conventional, most nontraditional wedding you can imagine. My father kept saying it was heavy on function and light on form. The only traditional thing was that the bride wore white.

The wedding party was me, my mom and dad (who have not really spent time together in 20 years), and Mary's grandfather. My mother was the officiator.

We stayed at Costanoa on the CA coast, just south of Half Moon Bay.

We had a BBQ for the "rehersal dinner" that was hugely winging it because we were staying in the lodge and didn't have anything to support a BBQ. So we borrowed from the restaurant and improvised where we could, and ended up with a delicious meal. My brother got pretty drunk, and doesn't remember much from the later evening. My mom was also pretty drunk, or pretending, and knocked over a firepit. Mostly, we were all hysterical laughing.

The wedding itself started out sombre, but rolled down the hill of crazy as soon as we all got into the Boogie Van and the bride started choosing music on her computer for the soundsystem. And then the groom unexpectedly turned into a gas station to get some coffee!
We were all laughing and in the spirit of adventure as we drove down the highway looking for the perfect beach. The 15 minute ceremony was on a rock, with the small party overlooking the Pacific. Afterwards, the bride started hamming it up for the camera, and some Swiss tourists took a group shot!

We went to the Ritz for a celebration dinner and a couple of M&M's friends joined us there.

There you have it.... the wedding of a Folb!

Burning Man

Accumulating links to everything we did at Burning Man:

Me - kodakgallery
M&M - flickr
Joost - flickr
Elliott
Squiggle people - video
Aria - video
Joost's video
Stickpeople1
Stickpeople2
Dr. Tesla

YeGads

It is taking a while to recover... or maybe I caught something.
You never know when you are sharing a portapotty with a kazillion people if you are going to be ok, especially when you are in a place that considers water to be "MOOP" and therefore washing your hands is a no-no.

My experience in summary:

The first 3 days were a mellow lead-up to Sat night.
Sat night was an all out party!!
I found myself planning next year's visit while we were driving out of the city, that's how addictive it is.... its like one of those things where you say, if I knew then what I know now... and in this case, I'm going to get to implement the knowledge. I am trying to rope people into going... mostly 'cause of 2 reasons:
1 - people to share the driving; that is a SCHLEP, BITCH, MUTHUFUCKR OF A DRIVE
2 - people to hang out with. One of the things I learned, is that sometimes your perspective is restrictive. Being with other people means you notice more than you see and you experience more than you intend. Its like that with the photos that other people are uploading. I get to see everything from their point of view and its WAY cool.

I moved the links of photos and videos to their own post.

If you are looking for me...

remember this, this, this, and this

well, its time, so you might find me here:

and exciting things here

yee gads

I am so burnt out.

It takes every ounce of energy to think about what I have to do next.

There is no energy left over for the actual doing.

I stare at my calendar planning a break from this drudgery, and all I see are more events to rob me of my quality time with the couch.

the application of leadership

We have been watching the dog whisperer. I highly recommend this show to anyone. I am NOT a dog person, and I appreciate this show. I have started to realize that his concepts have applicability to all parts of life.

Ceasar's basic concepts (let's see if I can remember them):
1. Give affection when the dog is in a relaxed submissive state
His point here is that you don't want the dog to associated positive reinforcement when the dog is in a hyper, agressive, or assertive state.
I guess this is the concept of appropriate reaction.

2. Start with exercise
Get rid of the excess energy before you start "working" with the dog. Release your emotion or anxiety through exercise.

3. "calm assertive"
(this is my favorite)
the Pack Leader needs to be calm and assertive at all times. This means put your shoulders back, stand up straight, and have confidence and conviction in your actions. Any wavering shows weakness and undermines your role as Pack Leader.
Basically - its your decision to be the Pack Leader, but you will not have that respect if you don't demand/take it.

I have always said that you are not "given" leadership, Leadership is something you "take". If someone says "ok everyone, this is your leader", you may be blindly followed for a while, but you will only keep and maintain that leadership in a successful way if you demonstrate the traits of a leader - ie take the lead.

Another repurcussion of this concept, is that as the Pack Leader, you have to be consistent in how you carry out "repurcussion". You can't do it sometimes and not others, you have to be consistent; and the repurcussion must be appropriate for the transgression.

Calendar

My calendar for the next couple of months scares me. And there are two trips that havn't even been considered yet - seeing a friend's new baby in LA and visiting Greg's mom in FL. Not sure where they will fit in. I also think there is another trip to PA or DC in Sept, but I'm trying not to think about that. I have a cold sore just from the stress of life. Thank god we booked a condo in Mexico for a weekend in Sept, 'cause otherwise, the next break would be Thanksgiving, and come to think of it, that might end up as Florida!

I desperately want to take off an extra day so that I can have a weekend longer than 2 days, but with work deadlines, even if I stayed home, people would be calling. Is Burning Man a break? Its out of reality, but will probably be a tiring trip. Ever since the work weekend from hell, I feel like I'm tripping over myself from exhaustion!

and here's an example

When I say that my brother doesn't have any boundaries, here's an example:

They bought a van for Burning Man, they wanted to put one of our futons in the van as a couch, so I told them sure. The took the van to the shop to get fixed, but decided anyway that the futon should be ready to go in the van, so they put it on top of his car in our garage. Then tonight, they decided to go to the mall. Well, where do you put the futon so you can drive the car to the mall?














so what I'm wondering now, is if I will be able to drive my car out of the garage to go to work tomorrow, or if I will first need to move the futon!

after that opus, here's some fun

Chicago!


Breakfast with Beth and Aaron



Juliet and Brook

Work (its a long one, but a gem at the end)

I have had the most insane two weeks ever. I am still in disbelief that I have survived. This was a learning experience about me too because I am astounded at what I can do. And I am still trying to figure out what it was that made me driven.

Background:
I manage a discipline division in a branch office for a consulting firm.
Our company has "practice" leads who are responsible for business development, like the BIG stuff, for each of the (7) disciplines under which the company provides services.

A month ago we decided to pursue a proposal for a gov entity, and decided that we didn't have enough local experience to lead the effort. This was the most complicated proposal I have ever seen. Printing out the documents ended up as a foot-high of paper. I was confused trying to read through it and roped someone else into doing that for me.

I had been talking to another company with some experience and they agreed to take the lead.
We brought on 2 more companies - one with local experience in the NW (which neither of us had), and another firm that currently holds a contract for this work (we'll refer to them as Incumbant).

Three weeks before the proposal was due we had a kick-off meeting in our office and delegated the preparation to the appropriate people. Later that week, the lead firm sent us a document outlining all of the data they wanted us to send them. I had a week to pull it together. It involved filling out forms that had been created by the Gov, sending documents to existing clients asking them to give us references, having all the technical people in my firm do these resumes forms, and begging everyone to turn everything around in a week (5 days that is).
I emailed off all my data, got on a plane, and went to Chicago to celebrate a friend's birthday.

As soon as we got to Chicago, I got a call from the lead firm telling me Incumbant had pulled out of our team and they were going to stop the effort because they didn't think we could be successful without Incumbant.

I was sitting in a restaurant awaiting my first meal of the day (long story, but we hadn't eaten since waking up), 7 hours, a flight, train, and cab, after waking up.

What the muthafucking fuck!

I was STRESSED! This opportunity is HUGE! So I called a couple of people, told them what was going on, and gave them tasks to get us back on track with the intent of picking up the pieces on Monday.
Tasks:
1. can we be the lead?
2. can we find another firm to do the CA work 9 days before our "print" deadline?

Well - it was a fun weekend; we got home at 10pm on Sunday (that means no laundry, no shopping, no errands before work on Mon).
Monday: HIT THE GROUND RUNNING
We got another firm to do CA, I got those practice leads to agree that we could take the lead, and I went into Hyper-Super-Lisa mode.
I worked from 7am - 8pm everyday that week
I worked from 7am - 11pm on Sat and Sun
I worked from 7am - 1am on Mon - Tues
(I am NOT an allnighter person - three degrees with no allnighter and I'm not going to start now)
and when I say worked I mean - sat with my computer on my lap and two phones at my side. Periodically Greg would bring me food on a plate and fill my water glass.
We printed on Tues.
Every one of those days I had to convince the 3 Practice Leads working with me that we could get it done and have a "quality product". This meant that between writing, editing, nagging subs to give me data NOW, I had to negotiate with 3 TOP people every couple of hours. And mostly, the resolve was that I would agree to take on more of the work - which meant more writing, editing, nagging subs. It got to the point where I couldn't think of words anymore in conversation. If someone started talking to me about something that didn't apply to this proposal, I would walk away; when someone (I knew well) asked me a question, the only sentences that could come out were like this:
"I asked him to look at those fucking things, and put them into that other fucking thing so that the fucking fucks would be ready for the other people in the morning"
If people told me "no", I would look at them blankly and say "ok, I'll get that from you in an hour".

I realize in retrospect that the work alone would have exhausted me, but what put me over the edge was the emotional negotiating, and carrying all of those people along.

Everyday, I would come home and say to Greg, I think this is only happening because of me. I think I am "selling" all these people on bogus reasons to continue because I am being determined.

I decided that it was my drive that was going to get us to the end.
And it did.
Those 3 people, and the poor proposal person who agreed to pull it together into that "quality document" all said to me at one point over the weekend - "I wouldn't still be working on this if it weren't for you".

I felt like I had won something, accomplished something HUGE by the time I got the fedex confirmation of delivery - and then I realized.

I still had to wait to see IF we would be AWARDED a contract for this to be a success!!!

God dammit! all that effort, all that work, and I still don't even know if its going to mean work for my firm!

I know that I have a reputation of being demanding, a "bitch", not very nice and all that, and I think I've written in this blog that I believe it is because people don't expect women to act direct, frank, bottom-line, honest (you know, those MEN traits), and so they don't expect me. But when people get to know me, and they see what I can do, and they see what THEY can do when they are working with me, they realize that I am good!
But in this effort, I wonder if I pushed some people away.
I always console myself when I have that thought by following it with
"yeah, but, I bet some other people REALLY respect me now!!"

The really shitty thing about all of this, is that I had to get this old before I realized what my strengths were and how I can leverge them. I think I am in the wrong industry, the wrong position, for my powers to be truly utilized. I don't know if its too late for me to figure out the best place to put myself, this is a thought I ponder more than any other. I also realize that I have less energy than I did when I was younger - obviously - but if I was in a position like the one I pulled off last week when I was younger, I would have ROCKED!!!! because I would have had energy. I haven't worked out, I haven't danced, I haven't called or talked to anyone socially. When I was younger, I probably could have fit that in too.

Anyway - that's where I have been for the past two, actually three weeks.

Show and Tell

for Blackbird:


a woman at work I really like is leaving to move to Dallas. I have been giving her a really hard time about it. I keep asking why she wants to move to TX. She is an equestrian, and tells me that she is ranked very high nationally in her breed, I think third. She wants to buy a house with a barn, land for the horse, and chickens ! I laughed at the chicken statement because she didn't strike me as the domesticated type. On her last day, she gave me this chicken to remind me why she was moving. She didn't have to give me anything to remind me how much I will miss her.

I figured out what it feels like

I see the sky as blue

everyone else is telling me they see the sky as green.

I just don't see the sky as green, its so obviously blue, how can you even imagine there is green in there!

 

and yet, because you are all telling me you see green,

and you're writing about how good that green feels,

and you're celebrating because the sky is green.

I start to feel left out.

Like I WISH I could see the green, I just wish I could, because then maybe I wouldn't feel left out.

But I just don't. I just don't see green.

I start hunting down other people who see the sky as blue, and at every turn, I find more people who tell me its green.

Some people start out saying its blue, and then over time, their blue turns more and more green. And there is no way for me to know why they change their minds.

Is it because they always saw the green, and just were pretending to see blue?

 

I feel lonely, like there is noone like me, that I'm a deviant (well, I know I am a deviant)... basically lonely.

Because I don't really know anyone else who sees the sky as blue.

 

this past weekend, one of my non-breeder friends actually told me that she is seeing natural-born children in her future more and more.

The sky is getting greener for her, and I still don't see it.

I can't believe I'm not the only one

I have sometimes wondered, but I've never looked to see if there is anyone else like me. I am somewhat in denial about my feelings because they are weird. Its hard to describe, and often when people find out, they just do things to make it worse. The other day I was alerted to this Salon page that describes someone just like me.
Except I don't think that the responder really understands the situation. Its not about hearing sounds loudly, or the inability to filter sounds, or one sound becoming dominant over the rest. Its about one particular group of sounds creating a hugely violent angry response.
yes, I am talking about the sounds of mastication: chewing, crunching, slurping, swallowing, popping gum, cracking gum, potato chips, apples, SALAD, nuts
For me it is exacerbated by situations that require concentration - a meeting, a classroom, concentrating
This is an affliction that I have lived with my entire life. I know that I used to yell at my mother and brother when I was a child. I used to scream at my brother for the sound of his teeth on a fork. I used to torment my mother to suck on her potato chips.
Some of my friends like to eat foods that annoy me on purpose! Some people forget just how torturous this is for me.
I am not an angry person, I am not a violent person, but the sounds of mastication make . me . IRRATIONALLY. angry!

Copy Cat

I'm going to copy Blackbird a little with a recap of the weekend:

Sat - Went on an insane drive. South from Phoenix through Tucson to Sierra Vista. It was really fun going down sandwiched in amongst the MINIs. Jabbing at people on the radio and zipping around the trucks and cars. I was pretty wiped out by the time we got down there, I'm not used to going that fast for extended periods. Believe it or not, even though people consider me a crazy driver, high speed on the straight is not my forte. Coming back with "harpo" and we hit a MAJOR haboob at Picacho Peak. Everyone was stopped on the highway waiting for it to pass. Crazy stuff!

Sun - ok, here's my homage to Blackbird.

bought a new phone; its still charging, so I haven't played with it yet



Started to build a floor for practicing my dancing. See the rubber stoppers? I need more!

and bought some more ducks. What do you think of all those ducks?


(ok, that was extremely annoying, in fact, I gave up doing it in Blogger and just created an email to my Blog. Blackbird, you have more patience than me!!)

Conversations

A while back some friends came over for dinner in more of a hanging out type of arrangement. It was really low-key and we just ate heated-up frozen food and drank wine. They stayed a while and we talked about nothing in particular. I found these photos on my camera, taken by Mr. S and they really seem to reflect the relaxedness of this evening, so I collaged them, and stuck them in my BLAWG!

MINI

Can you spot the MINI in a picture from a MINI?

Sometimes I really wonder...

...about men and sex.

I've been watching Queer as Folk, and I understand that its a TV show, and they are probably trying to be radical, but I really wonder - do men really have to have that much sex?

On that show, these guys are doing it every night, and in the morning they are doing themselves, so that's at least an average of twice a day.

So it makes me wonder about all the guys I know....
are they all thinking about it that much too?
would they all be having that much sex if they could?

and what about my partner, is that how often he really wants it?

and considering that the guys I know and my partner are not out trawling every night (I assume, of course) and are, therefore, probably not getting it as often as the QasF guys, how does that make them feel? what are the effects? are they frustrated? are they dissatisfied?

so sometimes I really wonder how much sex is enough for a guy.

Apple Pie 4th of July

Well, I was getting frustrated with my Bloggers because they weren't posting this weekend while I was lazing around looking for something to read... then I realized that I wasn't either, and everyone was probably off doing a vacation thing or not really interested in being by the computer.

I figured I'd start by summarizing my weekend.
We decided to stay home because it would be more relaxing than travelling. And it is... but it has a certain level of boredom. I started the weekend with a list of projects, but by day 2, I couldn't remember what they were! My brain turned to Jello!

We did manage some fun times: we rode bikes to a friend a block away whose kids were supposed to be selling lemonade - we were a little late, but got a cup anyway; We had tapas at Pepin, and saw my Wed night teacher Bernadette Gaxiola performing - boy is she good; little did I know in my Abercrombie and Fitch mini (discontinued) and JCrew elastic flips that she'd drag me on stage! I'm sure the front row got a good hoochie shot, and the guitarist got flying flips! We went to the Tilted Kilt - can you say CLEAVAGE! and not such good food; We hang around; walked to our favorite Italian place for eggplant scorpino and lasagna; watched Transamerica; went to Lake Pleasant to fix the sailboat so that its ready for next week when G gets his truck back; today we are going to a BBQ and then to ride our bikes to watch the fireworks; and all weekend, I was OBSESSED with Primal Quest.

Tomorrow I head to Pittsburgh for a lovely day of meetings at the "mothership", and then back for all-day training Fri and Sat (WOO HOO!!!). M&M return on Fri.... so that's the only real break from routine on the horizon.

Ho Hum!

it is SO friggin' hot! it sucks my will to be awake! any remaining energy I save, is required for maintaining my eyelids in the upright position - oh, and driving, 'cause I figure I need to pay attention.

For some reason, I am just not ready, and not adapting to the heat this year... might have something to do with the fact that it IS a little cloudy, which make the humidity go up from itsy bitsy, to itsy... which is enough to have a major effect with the air temp is over 110 !

...........................

Jamie Oliver: made my first recipe yesterday - Chicken Tika Masala... humm... kinda fudged one spice item, instead of buying garum masala, I mixed my own from an MSL recipe; not sure that worked too well. Of note, MSL recipes are usually straight forward and outline every tiny spec of a detail. Jamie, as a "wing it" cook, has kinda iffy recipes, which may have contributed to my not getting it quite right. But then, this is a quality I am hoping to learn from Mr. Oliver

..........................

so, we are thinking about vacations. I have realized that the older I get, the more regular my breaks from work need to be. One year, we didn't go on vacation at all. That was a BAD idea. I am still trying to make up for that decision. Problem 2: all the yummy vacations we take, usually involve my family. I love them and all, but its not the same as compromise-free lounging. So, we're thinking about going on a family free vacation - with our friends. Is that workable as less of a compromising situation??? I'm hoping.

Relationship Role Models?

Here's something that I've been thinking about for a while.

In the past, the sanctity of marriage was strong enough for a disgruntled partner to find a way to resolve their feelings of excessive compromise and stay in the relationship.

Then we moved into this generation where we feel that all people have the right to be in their own happiness all the time. Embedded in this is less of a willingness to compromise.

So how do you resolve the disgruntles in your relationship?

At the bottom-line of the issue is that there are very few (actually none that I know of) relationships that you can look to as a model, or role model for success where both partners are having their every need met, and neither is taking on the brunt of the compromise.

Asserting/requesting to have your needs met, can create conflict. You have to both be in a very healthy place for this conflict to not turn into something ugly; ie one of you feels that its too much "self" to compromise.

So how do you have a healthy relationship where both partners feel that their needs are met and you can resolve the conflict in a constructive way that perpetuates the feeling of being connected?

Its tough.

I wish there were more examples in the brainwashing that is pushed out to us through books, magazines, TV, and movies.

me and airplanes

just not a good mix; especially when I am spending everyday of a week on the road for work, flying all over the place.
What happens is that I get annoyed with EVERYONE! Especially the people in my SPACE! This is why, it is compulsory for me to be in FIRST. The airlines should automatically upgrade me as a courtesy to their other passengers, and humanity as a whole.
Problem number 2. I become melancholy, almost depressive, introspective, and maudlin. I sit in my head thinking all these "oh woe is me" thoughts that are rarely profound enough to matter on landing.
And if all of that isn't bad enough, by the time I get home, I am just in a FOUL mood. I want to be alone, I don't want to be alone. I want to sleep, I don't want to sleep, I want to eat, I don't want to eat.....blegh!

Jamie Oliver

How do I become Jamie Oliver? ok, if I can't become him, how can at least become a little part of him?
he is so relaxed about cooking; he is so creative in a very simple way; he is so CUTE!; he gave up his starting-role-as-chef-career to save all the children in the world who eat lunch at school.
Maybe I should just buy all his book....
ok, maybe I'll start with one.
I am an official supporter of Jamie Oliver!

does it matter?

I realized long ago that not everyone would like me.
and at that point, I decided that being me was more important than morphing myself so that everyone would like me.

Now that I'm older, I wonder about this realization and subsequent decision.

I have now come to realize that in order to have successful relationships everywhere in your life (ie work, home, the grocery store) you need to at least consider the viewpoint of the other opinion. This doesn't mean that you are changing yourself; in fact, it really has nothing to do with who you are as a person. But the result is that you have a more successful interation with the person in front of you.

They still may not like you.

Two things:

ONE:
SKYPE people!! come on, its a no-brainer!!!
www.skype.com


TWO:
An Inconvenient Truth
See it! embrace it! live it!
Produce less CO2
that's it.
simple.

I need your help

if you go through my links next door, you will notice that they are either my friends, MINI related, or new, first-time mom's (FTM) with attitude. What I've found is that once you find a blog you like, and then you go through the blogs they like, you can find other bloggers with similar style, and that works, however, I started with a FTM.... and they REALLY go on about their kids (except Master B, I have to say). So, I'm trying to find bloggers with dry wit that don't blog about their children. Can you help? or is the blogosphere just completely dominated by these stay-at-home frustrated intellectuals and therefore saturated by their blogs mostly?
LeahPeah is an exception too - not a friend, and not a FTM
Amalah, I guess from her comments, used to be more about herself and now is all about FTMness
Dooce is, I guess, very family... so that's bearable
and Morphing actually has 2 kids.... but still, the theme is about being a mom

why is the world so obsessed with children?

..just to hear the MINI echo

I love the sound of my engine when I'm in the parking garage. It must be something to do with the echo. Sometimes, I just open my windows and sunroof and rev it up, just to hear the MINI echo!!

Lisa's sinus avoiding techniques (edited)

1. if you feel sick IN ANY WAY! take an airborne... if you feel sick the next day, take more!
2. if you feel REALLY bad, follow the airborne with the following: garlic, echinacea, and vitamin C - yup, your pee will be flourescent
3. squirt rhinocort up your nose... I think this has to be prescribed.
4. I nearly forgot! take an all-day allergy medication daily - like allegra or claritin

if this doesn't help avoid, and now you're afflicted, along with your antibiotics, and the 3 items above, do the following:
4. take mucinex!
5. drink the breathe easy tea OR take sudafed... don't do both
6. if you really want to be all holistic.... take mullein drops - but I don't think that actually works.

I am usually able to avoid by overwhelming my body with vitamins, garlic, and rhinocort.

Kids

I stopped wanting to have children when my aunt was about 5-6 months pregnant with my first maternal cousin.
I remember her, my mom, and me, sitting in our living room in the house I grew up in, talking about all the things that can go wrong in pregnancy, childbirth, and birthing, and I thought "WHAT?!" and from that point on... children of my loin, no longer became an option. I was 13 at the time, and always rational, figured that this was too young to make drastic decisions, so I figured that I'd see how I felt at 16, and get a hysterectomy then. Well, by 16, I'd learned that you loose some other things with your uterus that are not worth giving up - NO!!, I'm not talking about menstrating! I'd give that up in a heartbeat! its all the other stuff...ESTROGEN...that you don't really want to live without.

anyway.

my decision not to give birth has never changed.
as I've grown older, my opinion has become stronger, and over the past couple years I have found out that I have 2 friends that feel the same way; and that is:
Giving birth to a child is selfish. Wanting to create a person in the world that has my genes is self-centered. Are my genes really that great that there needs to be another one of me, a little diluted by Greg? I don't think so. Instead, I look at what I have to offer and feel that this strength, guidance, and love, would be musch more appreciated by a child who doesn't, won't, and will never have it unless I volunteer to give it to them. I'm sure that there is pride and satisfaction in your child growing up and becoming a successful contributing member of society - but can you imagine how much greater that feeling if said child was on a track toward felony and imprisonment?

I did some research

now my hits are up to 110.

I did some research: its me and Aaron, everyone else is here for 0 seconds. Except for D and B, I just didn't see them in my first sample.

So, I guess I'm not keeping interest... people take a look, don't see anything interesting, and move on.

very interesting - now I have a choice to make:
do I continue to use this as a forum to update my friends, or
do I start experimenting with content to see if I can "hook" people

?

Holy CRAP!!

I've had 85 hits!! who ARE these people?????!!

Aaron???? are you pinging my blog???

Links

I updated my links to reflect some more of my favorite/daily blogs.
I can't wait for the news posts at all of these locations!

Travel Tips

So, I know that other people have done this before me, but I figure that if you are visiting my blog, you know me, and would appreciate my advice. I am on a trip to Houston right now for 2 days, and even though I haven’t traveled on business in MONTHS, my organized travel-planning system was still in the ready. I figure if it can stand the test of non-use, then it must be pretty good. So here are my tips (I would have included photos, but my camera's in the shop):

· I have a set of all my toiletries in the toiletry bag ready to go, all I have to do is zip it up and pack it.
· I have a small bag filled with potentially needed medications including antihistamines, pain killers, anti-diarrhea, heatburn and colds.
· I always take melatonin if I am changing time zones because it helps with falling asleep and feeling rested when you get up the next day (you can buy it at Trader Joe’s)
· and I have to take red-eye prevention drops because hotel rooms make my eyes red for some reason. I think it’s the no opening window recirculated air thing.
· I use an LLBean roly-poly bag (as I call them) because traveling is tough on luggage and their 100% return policy is unbeatable. I like this one because it has outside pockets too, and an expanding sleeve. Your hanging clothes can go in the top part of the lid, inside a very nice garment pouch that they include. What I’ve done is taken a couple wire coat hangers and cut the hanger part off. I can put my pants, tops, jackets on these hangers which keeps them stable, and then the metal part that remains on the top of the hanger can hook onto the hangers in the hotel room closet. I also follow the MSL advice of saving dry-cleaning bags and I put each item or a couple items into a dry cleaning bag before I put them in the garment pouch. This helps prevent wrinkles.
· I also have these packing assistance bags that work really well for all the folded clothes. There is a really small size that is good for underwear and a medium size which holds my shirts. I’ve only used the large one for international trips.
· This is how I pack the bag. I put and extra shoes on either side of the case body (I try not to take extra shoes but sometimes you have to), I put the medicine bag on the bottom between the handle arms that hide in the base of the case when the handle is down. I put my laptop power supply in this area also, and any other small power cord items I may have to take with me for my phone, blackberry, or mp3 player. The small pouch fits well between the shoes and the medium pouch fits on the other half of the case. My toiletries bag fits on top of the shoes, and I even have room to squeeze in a pillow. The hanging clothes go in the lid part of the case – one of the things I like about this case.
· In the outside pockets I put a book or magazine, in easy reach so that you can pull it out before you put the case in the overhead compartment. Its always good to reduce weight in the tote I use for my laptop and work materials. Usually on the return trip, ALL the work papers end up in the case instead of the tote. There is also a key holder in the top outside pocket which means that they are out of the way while you don’t need them, and then when you get back to the car, you know exactly where they are.
· I have a VERY LIGHTWEIGHT tote for my laptop. I went through lots of different bags before I realized that you need to find something barely bigger than your laptop and constructed of NYLON! The one I found from eBags (which they seemingly don't stock anymore) has all these outside pockets, which I LOVE. I keep my travel cards (you know, all those frequent flyer and hotel cards) in the bag, an extra pair of sunglasses, some snacks, the computer, DVD’s, pens, aircard, extra battery, it all fits in there neatly, even though the bag is not that big. There were some design flaws – like the funny metal hanging thing that kept popping off, I secured that with a ziptie! And the handles weren’t sewn in all the way, which a shoe repair place fixed for me.
· The only thing that I would add to this set-up that I don’t have is a pair of noise-reducing headphones. They are ridiculously expensive! I mean, come . on ! and also – large!

So that’s packing.
· At the airport, I have learned a couple tricks to make getting through security easier: wear slip-on shoes, don’t wear your belt, put it in your bag, and keep all the metal to a minimum – ok, those are no-brainers.
· Here’s the other thing. Only your laptop has to go in a bin. Nothing else. Your shoes don’t, your sweater doesn’t, only all those loose things you might have in your pockets, so DON”T PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKETS. You do not need to unpack all your stuff into a selection of bins and put everything on the line of tables trying to pretend that you are three people pushing all of this stuff along until you get to the x-ray machine. Just grab a bin, creep along in the line with all these frantic people, and go through your loading process as your things progress on the conveyer belt.
· I have tried various combinations to figure out which is the most efficient. I have decided finally that shoes and laptop go first. TSA won’t spend a lot of time on either of those, and you can be putting on your shoes while they look in your bags. If you put the tote on next, you can grab it and insert the laptop before the roly-poly bag gets to you, which you then take off, pull up handle and you’re ready to go. Another piece of advice is that if you get caught and you can’t keep up with your stuff coming through, move it off of the rollers onto the tables. That way other people can move by and its less stressful for you.

Anyway, that’s what I do.You might think that I’m compulsive to have spent so much time thinking about how to make traveling easier. Well, I’m not compulsive, I have just traveled a LOT for work and like to make it easier on myself. I am just organized and efficient. I think you will find those two attributes up by my name on this Blog.

Let's Talk about Marriage - or not!

Why is it that it is so difficult for people to comprehend that there are options and alternatives out there to the way that they can live their lives?

Why do you have to get married? How is it that society has created this expectation that you are not complete unless you are married? That word holds so much more meaning to people than what it actually represents. I would bet that is one of the reasons why this whole gay marriage thing is such an issue.

Why is it not acceptable to be in a long-term relationship of commitment without that word?
Let’s see, what does the word represent in reality? It represents a piece of paper on file at the local courthouse. This paper says that you are joined in matrimony and that the laws of matrimony (obviously those laws that are on the book in your State of residence) apply to your union.

Where does it say anything about Love? Commitment? Acceptance? Tolerance? Patience? Compromise? Companionship? Sharing? Equality? All of those qualities that are the actual result of that long term commitment. Nowhere. These are the fruits of long-term commitment relationships whether or (hold on to your seats, ladies) not, you are married.

So why do people look at me in horror when I tell them that I am not married and I have no intensions of being married?
I’m serious. It’s a look of HORROR! Like I am no self-respecting woman if I am not spending my every waking and sleeping moments in search of that holy grail.
Some people have the courage to confront me on this abhorrence right on meeting, others wait until they know me a little longer, like they are afraid to offend me by asking the question right off the bat.

Here are the responses I store in my bag (refresher, the question is Why don’t you get married?):
1. Why DO you get married?
2. Why did YOU get married?
3. Why SHOULD I get married?
4. What does marriage give me that I don’t have? (there is absolutely nothing with which that question can be answered – go on, I dare you… try! Not you, Mom – don’t you dare say anything about the South Dakota retirement system!)

Here are some of the things I have that you don’t:
1. we define the terms of our relationship, they are not defined by the State of Arizona
2. my Partner comes home to me every day because he wants to
3. when we hit a bump, and select to work through it and renew our commitment to each other, its because we want to
I could go on, but I think I made my point.

an aside:
Sometimes people find out that my mother is not married either; and I get this all-knowing “Oh!” like “oh, this runs in the family”, “oh, you weren’t taught good family values”, “oh, you come from one of those hippy bohemian families.

Blagh! I just hate that people can’t accept difference.

To go out, or to not go out...

Lately, I just have no motivation to leave the house. I kinda worry about it, because I don't want to become a shut-in. I don't know if its because I'm tired and trying to recover from the expenditure of energy that is everyday life, if its just 'cause there ain't nowhere as nice as my house, or if I'm becoming anti-social. I don't think its the latter, but I give that equal consideration. For some reason, I have no motivation to actually go to any DMC events, even though when I hear about them, I think they sound like fun.... just when it gets to be time to go... I just can't do it. This happened last week with Flamenco and the gym too. I just couldn't push myself to get in the car and go.... Granted, last week was an energy SUCK and we had some surprise visitors (Martin's best friend Julia and her boyfriend Joost) on Tues who stayed later than I expected anyway.

So, I should be contemplating getting in the car in an hour and driving to a memorial day BBQ with the DMC to wash my car. I think I can do it.

later.

The Wireless-Phone-Carrier Management Philosophy

This is seriously a new form of management style/philosophy, that I am hereby claiming responsibility for coining/defining/describing.

This is what wireless phone carriers do... you know, Sprint, Verizon, Cingular, T-mobile...

Switch to us! We will give you this feature for free, we will give you boatloads of minutes, we will charge you nothing, etc. etc.

"Wow", you think, and make the switch... happily you enjoy your new service until you catch the new ad for your carrier
"switch to us! we'll give you SHIPloads of minutes, and a free phone every month"

So you call up customer service "excuse me, I already have this plan with boatloads, how do I take advantage of the SHIPloads... and free phone?"
"I'm sorry, that's for new customers only, not existing customers"

You have 3 options:
1. suck it up.
2. Wine, Yell, Moan, and Write a letter complaining saying that you're going to switch carriers
3. switch carriers

Here are the results:
1. nothing changes
2. "please don't leave us" and they offer you a way to take advantage of the new promotions
3. after a couple months... you switch back, and get all the new promotions.

I'm sure by now, you're wondering how this applies as a management philosophy.
Here goes:

you take a job with a company, at a good rate, with nice benefits
you happily work away doing all the things that are expected of you.

Along comes another worker, and they are offered a job doing the same thing as you...
for a higher pay rate, and with better benefits - they are the new customer !!

You have 3 options:
1. suck it up
2. write a letter to your boss, HR, and your bosses boss (you have now become a "squeaky wheel")
3. get a job somewhere else

Here are the results:
1. nothing changes
2. "please don't leave us" and they offer you a new promotion
3. after a couple months... you switch back, and get a new promotion

I hereby declare this to be "The Wireless-Phone-Carrier Management Philosophy"

Please note that the squeaky wheel and the one who switched are the two options that are rewareded, thereby perpetuating the system.

Also note that the person just doing their job, paying their phone bill and using their minutes, gets nothing.

Any questions?

ANYTHING to see outside!

so, in my next iteration to see outside (you can see the first efforts here) I thought that if I put up mirrors, they might reflect the sky from through my rectangle window on the opposite wall to where I face. I made DeAnn sit in my chair and tell me when I had the right angles, and then I propped the mirrors. The symmetry of my office is now all off; but who cares - at least I can tell when its dark!

...and I'm back

so.... I've been wondering lately about the realities of being a woman in business. When I was younger, I didn't want to believe that there were any differences in the way that people were treated - and I'm not talking about opportunities and pay rates; I'm talking about what people expect of you, and how they interpret your actions.

Let me back up.
When I was younger, I really didn't care what people thought of me. I didn't care if they liked me or if they didn't. I knew I was right, I knew I had the correct perspective, I knew that I knew best - and if people didn't want to come along on my train, then screw them.

As I have gained experience in the workforce, been "evaluated" by different managers and employees, and had discussions about ambition and future with collegues, I've begun to think that there are realities you have to accept in order to be effective in a business setting.

1. I think that women expect women to behave a certain way, and when you don't you get judged
2. I think that men are threatened by women in positions that are hierarchical above them (perhaps there is an exception if the woman is visibly old)
3. I think that men on your level have issues buying what you say
4. I think that your supervisor has issues buying what you say

Now, the topic dejour is as follows: is these observations about being a woman in business, or are these realities for be because of who I am?

so the not caring about what people think thing is still true in that I don't care emotionally, it doesn't affect how I feel about myself, however, I have begun to think that you do have to "act", "perform", "behave", "pretend", in a certain way in order to play the game of business.

The problem is that the majority of our role models are men - and you CANNOT behave the same as a man; it doesn't work! There IS a double standard.
Or our role models are women who's position is the result of specific circumstances.... so you cannot generalize to the whole, or general.

I'm reading this book right now that's billed basically as "how to be a boss without being a bitch" and I'm very disappointed. I assumed that it would give me insight into how you can be hard, demanding, direct, and to the point without it being construed as "bitch".... but instead it is about the reasons why you should delegate (duh!), don't worry, its ok not to be friends with all of your employees (duh!), and here is your pep talk on being pushy in a meeting (whatever!!).

I have all of that!!! what I want to know is how to navigate the behavior line between people expecting you to be touchy-feely, emotional, couching everything in rose petals, and the hard, direct, bottom-line position.

Where are you ?!

I was beginning to take your absence personally!